Adoption Blog

Shutting Down

2008-01-30T15:33:00.000-05:00

I originally started the blog to document my journey through adoption. Now that the journey has ended and we are a family, I just don't feel comfortable posting in a public about the mundane everyday things we do and especially to protect Addy's privacy. So, I am going to make it private and turn it more into a diary/journal for myself.

Thank you for being a part of my journey to my precious Adaline.

Progress and not so much progress

2008-01-13T15:24:00.000-05:00

We seemed to have finally turned a corner with Addy. She finally seems to have let her guard down with Anthony and they have become so much closer in the last couple of months. She tells him she loves him all the time and will sit on his lap and let him give her a kiss.

Daycare is going great. She was promoted to the 2 year old group. At 2, they tried but she wasn't ready. She's been in the new group for a couple of weeks and it's going great this time. They said she talks a lot more than she used to (she doesn't shut up at our house!), she shares and gets along with the other kids and she's attempting to use the potty. She can't wait to go in the morning and sometimes when I go to pick her up, she doesn't want to leave. I feel so relieved that she's thriving and happy.

We still have issues with the neediness and clingy-ness with me. If I leave the room, she has to yell at me constantly to reassure herself, I guess. Here's a typical conversation from this morning when I was trying to make a cup of coffee and left her for 3 minutes:

"Mommy, I love you"
" I love you, too"
"Thank you!"
"You're welcome".
"Mommy, come give me hug"
"Can't, I getting a cup of coffee. I'll be right there"
"Mommy! Come give me a kiss. I love you!"
"I love you, too"
"Thank you"
"I said thank you! I want a hug. Come here right now!"
"You're welcome. I said not right now. I'm busy. Here's a kiss (kissing noise)"
"Mommy, I want milk."
and on and on... constant dialogue.

Then I come into the room and she pats the sofa next to her. "Come sit right here, Mommy". Then she has to climb on my lap and hold me captive while I try to read the paper and drink the coffee. On my lap - never next to it. She will take a temper tantrum if I make her sit next to me. I'm tired. Anyone else going through this or gone through this who could offer advice on how to stop it? I love her dearly but I'm worn out from never having a second to myself unless she's napping.

Pics from Christmas

2008-01-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics from Christmas Eve/Day. J wrote a letter to Santa to leave with the cookies. "Dear Santa, I'm you're #1 fan. Here are some butterballs and milk for you. Enjoy! Sincerely J. P.S. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" He couldn't get to sleep that night, he was so excited. He's almost 8, the magical age for Christmas.

Dallas

2008-01-08T09:52:00.000-05:00

We got a new dog! I was reading the paper and I saw an ad in the classifieds for a Jack Russell terrier, 9 mos. old, neutered. So, I called the lady and she said that he's crated all day while they're at work and at night they don't have time to give him the attention that he needs because they have a 2 year old. I told her I'd talk it over with my husband and let her know. J was all excited and he named him Dallas. He went online and found Dallas Cowboy dog stuff - jersey, collar, leash, etc.

The next morning I brought him up to DH and he said he thought he might be allergic. Right after that, my friend called crying that her chihuahua got run over by the mailman the afternoon before. I told her about him since I didn't think we could get him. She talked to her DH and he wanted to wait awhile.

So, the next day DH calls me at work and tells me to call and we can go get him if he doesn't have a reaction. When I got home, literally as I was walking in the door, the phone rang and it was my friend telling me HER husband said they could get the dog. I was kind was disappointed but I figured maybe I was supposed to find this dog for her because of the timing.

Two days later, at 8:15 on a Saturday morning she calls me and tells me to come get the dog and how fast can I get there. So, J, Ad and I piled in the car and went to get him. They have a ton of acreage but nothing fenced in so he couldn't get the exercise he needed. Then, once he was back inside he had all this pent up energy and they weren't used to it.

We'd have him a couple of weeks now and we absolutely love him and couldn't imagine not having him in our lives. The old owner is thrilled that he's happy and that I'll be sending her pics and updated frequently about him.

Christmas Pics

2008-01-08T09:33:00.001-05:00

Christmas was fantastic this year! Addy learned "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", she knew that he was bringing her presents and every time she spotted a pic of Santa she would point him out. Christmas morning she opened a couple of gifts and that was it. She just wanted to start playing. I could've saved a lot of money had I known that, LOL. These are some of the pics I took for my Christmas cards.

Piece of the puzzle?

2008-01-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

A customer came in this morning and I asked how her New Year was and she said it was great, that she spent it with her 4 kids and 6 foster kids. So, I showed her my Christmas pic of Addy and told her I adopted her in August. I was making her change and she kept staring at the old fashioned pic of Addy from Feb and kept saying, I’ve seen her before, I know I have. I asked her if she went to the adoption Christmas party, no. She asked where she was born and I told her the hospital but that she was in a foster home since birth.

She said no, I had her! She got her as an emergency foster for a few days because the hospital couldn’t hold her any longer. (Which is true!) She couldn’t keep her as a permanent foster because they don’t like to put the kids in the same town as the family. She said that she only had her for 3-4 days and that she remembers her daughter running to Walmart and getting a bunch of clothes and onsies because all she came with was a receiving blanket and a onsie. She said that she returned the hospital id tags and everything BUT she takes pics of all her foster kids so she is going to go home and check her records to see if she took one of Addy. Incredible coincidence, huh?

I wrote down the date in 2005 for her and hopefully, she has something for me to help fill in the puzzle for Ad.

Attachment, Daddy and a little Independence

2007-10-28T08:17:00.001-05:00

We seem to have had a major step forward in the attachment with Daddy. The last few days Addy has done a complete turnaround. Last night, DH was laying on the couch watching the World Series (Go Sox!) and Addy brought over her toys and put them on his stomach and started playing with them and talking to him and they played together. It was incredible. She went to the store with him by herself and lately, when he leaves for work, she cries for him. It's definitely happening!

Another HUGE step happened last week. Usually, wherever I am that's where Addy is. I can't wash dishes without her standing there holding onto my leg the whole time. I can't read the newspaper in the morning while she watches tv without her being right on my lap instead of sitting next to me. She has a whole bunch of Littlest Pet Shop animals so I dragged out her Fisher Price dollhouse and farm and sat her on the floor and she just played BY HERSELF for a half hour. No crying for me to be there, no dragging everything over my lap - just played like any other littled toddler would. I know it sounds really insignificant but to me, it was a huge step toward independence.

Potty training

2007-10-28T08:13:00.001-05:00

Addy has started potty training at home and at school. In her group, there are 3 other girls who go on the potty so everytime they all go, Addy goes too. She's been successful once or twice there. Yesterday, she asked to go on the potty so I undressed her from the waist down and she got on and pooped! I made a big deal out of it and she got to put her sticker on the potty. Yay! We're on our way.

Back home and safe

2007-10-28T08:08:00.000-05:00

My sister and her family are back home and safe. She said the lawn looks like an ashtray with all the ash. They said they felt like they were driving through a war zone on the way home between all the destruction on the ground and the planes flying overhead.

Her friend lost her home and the kids haven't even gone back to school and they've already learned that three of their friends' families lost their houses.

They had made plans to put their house on the market this year and move back here. Now I want them here more than ever.

Update on sister

2007-10-25T09:53:00.001-05:00

No change overnight as to the fire in her neighborhood. It's still being held off a few miles from her house and the winds have died down. They went to the kennel to check on the dogs last night and they are ok. Those people are so wonderful to take in the dogs for the evacuees. Then they had to go shopping for more clothes. They haven't been home since Monday and probably won't be let back in until the weekend.

Scary stuff. It's gotten hard to keep watching the news and seeing all the devastation. I'd rather just go online and get updates than to have to see it. After awhile, the images start to get to you, ya know?

Baby and I are still sick. I swear we haven't caught a break since she started daycare in March. Now DH and B have it, too. J is the only one who's escaped it so far.

Update on CA fire

2007-10-23T20:21:00.000-05:00

I've been checking online all day for my sister to get news about her neighborhood in Fallbrook. So far, it seems like her neighborhood is still standing but the fires are very close now. I found a wildfire map that keeps updating where the fires are and it is heading east toward her house, probably less than 2 or 3 miles and that, of course, could change in a matter of minutes or hours. In my mind, I can see all the beautiful farms and houses that are marked over with red which means they are under siege right now.

They are safe at a hotel in Murrietta. I just spoke with her and she was out shopping for clothes and pajamas for the kids. Please pray for her and all the others in CA that are living this hell on earth right now.

Prayers for California residents

2007-10-22T19:06:00.000-05:00

I was home sick today and it turned out to be a good thing. My sister lives in San Diego county so we talked on and off all day as the fires got worse and worse and closer to her home. Things didn't seem bad at all this morning so she took her kids to school. One by one, she started to get calls from schools to pick the kids up. Her four year old was completely knocked face first to the ground from the high winds. She stayed home all day with the windows closed.

About an hour ago, they got the mandatory evacuation notice and they were on their way. Two adults, five kids, one big dog and one little dog. I've been on the phone trying to find them a hotel with no luck. They stopped at a Petsmart and got the name of a kennel that would take the dogs so that will give them a better shot of actually getting a hotel room tonight vs sleeping in their truck.

My heart breaks for all the people who have already lost their homes or pets or businesses. My prayers are with all of them and It's so hard being clear across the country from them and not being able to help. They literally left with the clothes on their backs. She was more concerned about getting all her documents, pictures and videos packed in. She figured they could always buy clothes wherever they end up.

November is National Adoption Month

2007-10-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

I'm going purple for the month...are you?

Thanks Maggie and Elle for the image.

More apple picking pics

2007-10-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

A picture is worth a thousand words.....

2007-10-09T09:59:00.001-05:00

This is what I'm talking about, LOL. I was trying to get a picture of the two of them but she wasn't having any of it. She's happy with him from a distance or from the safety of my arms.

Apple Picking

2007-10-09T09:50:00.000-05:00

Every year we have a tradition of going apple picking with our friends, K&D and their 3 kids. Last year when we went, I couldn't help but think that next year, our daughter would be with us. We had five kids between us and only one of them was a girl. My goddaughter said to me last year that she couldn't wait to go apple picking with her "sister" next year. :) Fast forward a year, and here it is. What a great time we had....just made more special by the addition of Addy.

Adoption Books

2007-09-28T10:38:00.000-05:00

Any recommendations for good books geared toward adoption of younger children or toddlers?

I'm really interested in getting more info on attachment issues to help with establishing the bond with her and DH.

Being two, it's hard to tell whether the other issues she has are adoption or age related. For instance, she talks up a storm at home but is pratically mute at daycare, she's aggressive with the other kids there and won't hesitate to throw a shoe at a kid. At home, her preferred method is to stick her tongue out and blow raspberries at us, call us all "bad girls" (even the boys) and hit us if she can get close to us.

You'd think that after being a mother for almost 16 years, I'd know what the heck I'm doing by now but I don't. It's like walking a tightrope in the wind, the steps I take are cautious and uncertain. Before adoption, I could have skipped across with my eyes closed. I don't want to spoil her, but I don't want to damage her even further either for not doing the right thing...sigh.

Fall Adoption Party

2007-09-28T10:18:00.000-05:00

Last night we went to the annual Fall Adoption Party put on the by the state for all prospective and adoptive parents. We went last year when we were in the "waiting period". It's amazing that one year later, we're back not only with our daughter but it's a done deal and she's already adopted. Amazing.

We saw our instructor from training class so it was nice to catch up with her and show her how Addy's coming along. We met up with our friends from class and their kids, took a hayride out to the corn maze, then on the way back we picked pumpkins. Unfortunately, cameras aren't allowed to protect the privacy of the waiting children there so I don't have any pics to share. Addy looked adorable toddlering after the bigger boys in the corn maze, trying her hardest to keep up with them. She had a long pink cotton dress on and pink bows in her puppy tails.

The clinger

2007-09-26T07:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had a fieldtrip to an apple orchard with Addy's daycare. She's still in the separation anxiety phase, I guess. I was the only parent that had a clingy, whiny child who wanted to be held more than enjoy the day. I felt like such an ass around all the other parents, like mine was the only brat there. I know it's not her fault but they don't.

When we first got there, we went into a tent to watch a video on how they make apple cider. All the kids dutifully sat in a semi-circle to watch the video but Addy refused and took a fit until I sat down and let her come onto my lap. She wouldn't stay put while the adults went to get the glasses of cider to bring to the kids. She only wanted me and even knocked the glass out of the hands of the parent who was trying to give her a glass. When it came time to pick apples, she wouldn't go to the trees, I had to carry her. I got more comments from parents "Oh, she must be tired", "Oh, someone's ready for a nap".

After lunch, she wouldn't play with any of the kids, she had to sit on my lap. By the time, we got back to the school, I was drained. The thing is, it's like this all the time but this is the first time around other people that I felt like I was being judged that my kid is a whiny brat.

At home, if I'm around she has to be in my arms, on my lap, hugging my knees, in her sight. That's why DH gets so aggrevated, she completely dismisses him. If he tries to hold her, she screams for me. Some days, she fine with him then I think ok, I can breathe a little easier that it's finally getting better...then she goes right back to rejecting him again.

Is this normal? I don't know, I've never adopted before. I feel sometimes like I'm sailing into unchartered waters with no map.

I love her more than life itself, but it's sooooo draining on me. The house is suffering, my marriage is suffering, the other kids are being neglected because she makes me the center of her attention constantly.

Any advice?

saying goodbye, first meeting

2007-09-23T07:13:00.000-05:00

First Meeting - January 2007 - part 2

2007-09-23T07:04:00.000-05:00

First Meeting - January 2007

2007-09-23T07:00:00.001-05:00

Some random pics....

2007-09-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

I just got a new camera the other day (yay!) and here are a couple of pics I took with them. Addy with her blankie and thumb, a bath pic and her wild hair before I did it for the day.

Later on that night.......

2007-09-22T09:25:00.001-05:00

When she woke up from her nap, her eye was completely shut....the eye itself looks good though. It's all swollen on the lid, temple, underneath. At least her school pictures were Thursday!

Freaky Friday

2007-09-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

Thursday night our hot water tank blew. Our oldest son's room is in the basement so he noticed it pretty quickly and we were able to stop the gushing to a small leak. I had to call in sick on Friday to wait home for the plumber to come and replace the tank. At 10:45, Ad's daycare called that she fell at school and hit her eye on the corner of the table. I rushed to get her and it didn't look too bad, the cut didn't seem too deep but she had a good sized egg going on.

Adoption is so hard

2007-09-11T10:03:00.000-05:00

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but sometimes adoption is so hard. I became close friends with one of the girls in my adoption class. She was placed with the most gorgeous 7 month old blonde haired blue eyed baby a few months ago to foster with the intent to adopt. She had a mild condition that they thought happened in utero that they discussed ALOT before deciding to go ahead with the placement.

Last Friday, she went for a routine MRI so see about the effects of the weakness on one side. Turned out it wasn't a stroke like they thought but a fatal neurological disease. She called me yesterday morning devastated. We reseached the disease online and it seems like the children live from about one year to "early adulthood" with the effects of the disease usually beginning after the first year or two. What's going to happen in the meantime is unknown. There are so many side effects from blindless, seizures, paralysis, developmental delays, the list goes on and on... The whole family is in shock.

Her mentor and I both wondered aloud why wasn't the MRI done as soon as she was born? An overworked system, maybe. But then, why didn't the pediatrician order it when she was born just to see how much damage "the stroke" had done to her brain? Not that they could have done anything for it but....

This condition is so rare, only about 2 in every million babies are born with it. My heart is broken for that little girl and all that she has ahead of her. I've discussed this with my family and co-workers and there is definitely a line in the sand on both sides of the issue. Half are adament that the family should put themselves first and give her back to the state and the other half are of the opinion that they should put the needs of the baby ahead of their own.

Reasons for giving her back to the state: they are not equipped to handle it, it's not too late because parental rights haven't even been terminated yet, they can't expect the family who's only had her a couple of months to take on the burden of caring for a baby with a fatal condition, this is going to tear apart her family and her children caring for a child who is going to going to be most likely a vegetable before she dies. It's not fair to her biological children. She belongs with a foster family that is equipped to deal with severe medical issues. There's still time to give her back, they should do it now before they get more attached to her.

Reasons they should continue the pursuit to adopt: If she had given birth to her, she would have no choice to give her back. Too bad, it's the hand the family was dealt it, they'll just have to "deal with it". Think of the baby, God knows where she will end up if the state takes back custody of her. How could she take a baby for 2 months then just give her back like that? She doesn't deserve to adopt.

The birthparents are being told today. They already lost custody of other children and it was expected that they would lose custody of this baby as well. Under the new circumstances, I just don't see any option of the birthparents being given the baby back because they couldn't even take care of the basic needs of a healthy child, nevermind one that, while she seems normal now, will slowly and steadily go downhill.

Curious, what your opinions are on the topic. I'm sure this could start a hot debate. I'm just too close to the situation knowing the family and the baby and how unbelievably cruel and tragic this is. I would support the family in whatever decision they make. I honestly don't know what I would do if put in that situation and I am grateful I've never been in that position.

Birthmom

2007-08-31T08:02:00.000-05:00

If you haven't had the pleasure of reading Maggie's blog, take a look. She posted her feelings about her son's birthmother and it got me to thinking about Addy's. Ironically, I just got done reading Danielle Steele's book "The Gift" about a teenager in the 1950s who gives up her daughter for adoption.

I have nothing but empathy and compassion for Addy's birthmother. I was able to read what a crappy life she and her siblings had, of her very low IQ that inhibited her from ever being able to fully grasp how to be a mother. Frankly, at 15 even the most intelligent mothers would find the task difficult. And I am so, so grateful for her for the gift that she gave me (tearing up as I write this). Giving up your child is the biggest sacrifice a mother could ever make and it is the biggest gift that could ever be bestowed on another family and for the child.

The birth grandmother, however, I have a much different opinion of. She is same age as me and has managed to have child after child after child and has not fulfilled even their basic needs - to be properly sheltered, clothed, schooled, cared for, etc. She has allowed Addy's mentally challenged birthmother to get pregnant again and now the stories I have heard of what he is going through make me sick. (I wish I could get into it here but he's living in a house with 20 other people and there are major neglect and health issues). Why hasn't he been removed yet??

I'm heartsick that this cycle gets repeated over and over. It could have stopped with the grandmother but for whatever selfish reasons she has, she keeps producing children and those children are producing children and the cycle continues. When Addy is nestled into my arms and contentedly sucking her thumb, I sometimes wonder what her life would have been like had the state agency not existed. She's such a sweet, bright little girl and she deserves the best of everything life can give her. She is so much luckier than her mother and aunts and uncles who never made it out to get the opportunity to just be a carefree child.

I thought finally getting a daughter would quench the desire to have any more children but experiencing adoption has only made it worse. If I had the bedrooms and the money, I would adopt 10 more. To see the same faces on my state's photolisting website month after month, year after year, just breaks my heart. They deserve the oppotunity to have a mother and father to let them shoulder the adult stuff. They all deserve to be part of a family, something we all just take for granted.

I wonder who hit the $315 million Powerball this week? What I could have done with that money...from helping birthfamilies to get what they need to keep their children, to helping prospective adoptive parents along the process, to providing good homes for the waiting children, or providing services and counseling, fundraising.

Referral Photo 1/3/07

2007-08-18T18:20:00.000-05:00

At home getting ready for court....

2007-08-18T18:12:00.000-05:00

Opening some presents before court...

Adoption Pics

2007-08-18T18:10:00.001-05:00

It's Official, we're a family of 5

2007-08-10T12:20:00.000-05:00

It's done! I feel bad I don't have pics to post yet but my digital is broken so I'm waiting on my mom to send me them. (I'm going to try and remember every detail for Addy so this post might seem overly filled with useless details).

Yesterday morning Addy and I woke up her usual 6ish. I had taken a vacation day so we ate breakfast and watched Barney. I gave her a long bath and washed her hair. I put her down for a nap before 11:00 so she wouldn't be tired for court. I was surprised that she fell right to sleep but the bath must have tired her out.

At noon, I ran to the florist to pick up the flowers I ordered for Addy's social worker and Addy. She forgot all about it so I had to wait while she made up the order. They came beautiful. I ordered a presentation bouquet that could be put into a vase once she got back the office. It was done with pale pink roses and mixed flowers. Then I had a little wristlet made for Addy with 2 tiny baby pink roses and some baby's breath. When I got home, my mother and then my 2 nieces came over because they were coming to court with us. I woke Addy and got her dressed up. She looked like a little princess in her tulle dress and she is such a shoe girl! She loved her little silver ballet slippers I got her. She kept twirling around and touching her dress, LOL. My mother gave her a book and my nieces gave her a baby doll. After she opened her presents, we took off for court...

We got to the courthouse at 1:30, put money in the meter and got to the fifth floor and waited. The social worker showed up and Addy hugged her. She loved her flowers. We took a bunch of pictures. Then her guardian ad litem showed up and then our lawyer. Addy was getting very restless with all the waiting, she was rolling all over the floor and I didn't want her dress getting dirty but what are you going to do?? A security guard came over and gave her a blue raspberry Dumdum lollipop which promptly turned her lips and tongue blue. The social worker and I were talking and she said if she ever wins the lottery, she's going to build us a 20 bedroom house so she can fill it with children for us. Oh, how I wish it would happen!

At 2:40, we finally got called into the courtroom but, as luck would have it, our lawyer was 2 doors down doing a divorce so then we had to wait for him. 2:50, we are ushered into the courtroom. DH and I sit on the left side of the courtroom with our lawyer and I have Addy on my lap. The guardian ad litem and social worker sit on the right side with the boys, mom, mother-in-law and nieces in the seats behind them. DH and I had to raise our right hands and get sworn in, then the lawyer asked us a series of questions such as do we realize that she will be our daughter as if we had given birth to her, that we will have all responsibilities for her, etc. Then the judge asked the social worker if she recommended this adoption. She answered that in all her years, she has never seen a better fit between parents and a child (awww). The lawyer then advised us of her name change and that a new birth certificate will be issued with us listed as her birthparents (that surprised me)and that all records will be sealed (because Addy's birth family cut all ties and does not even want pictures or updates, but it's their loss. I would have welcomed keeping the ties open for Addy's sake).

The judge then proclaimed her decision to let the adoption go through and everyone clapped. She invited us up to her bench to take family photos and gave the boys and Addy lollipops. The whole thing lasted about 5 minutes from start to finish. We shook hands with the lawyer and guardian ad litem, hugged the social worker and left.

The boys and my nieces wanted to go Uno's to celebrate. Then it was home and that's it! I thought it would feel different once the adoption was done but it didn't. I realized that, at some point, I had already become her mother in every sense of the word and I didn't need a judge to proclaim it to make it so.

P.S. I decided to go with Adaline Grace. I debated on the spelling right up until the last minute but A-D-A just felt right.

Three Days and Counting!!

2007-08-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

I've been so sick the last couple of weeks. Addy started first with the stomach flu then I got a sore throat that progressed to the flu then it went into my head and lungs. I'm still sick and it's been 9 days. I hope we're all healthy for court because.....

Thursday is Adoption Day! Three days to go. It's hard to believe how fast this year went by. Last summer at this time we were taking our training classes and now we're at the home stretch. Court is at 2:00 downtown. Addy and my outfits are all set. I still need to take the boys shopping for something to wear. My mother-in-law, my mother and my two nieces who are in town are coming. We're going out to eat after to celebrate and I think I'll get a cake for a little celebration at our house after. I ordered a bouquet of pink roses and mixed flowers for the social worker and a wristlet with baby pink roses for Addy. I'll finally be able to post pictures of her on here!

She's growing up everyday. She's talking in 3-4 word sentences, she repeats everything, she can name tons of new things each day. We watch Barney every morning while we're getting ready for work/daycare and she runs over to me and hugs me and kisses me when the closing song comes on. She is so gentle with her babies and she puts them to sleep and talks to them. She baby talks to the dogs and hugs them.

Her hair is so long now. When we first got her, I took her for professional pictures and her puppytails were barely 2 little puffs on her head. This morning I was joking to DH that she looked like Minnie Mouse because she had these two huge round puffs of curls on her head and I had put in red/white striped bows. It's even long enough to braid. I could just eat her up I love her so much.

She loves the pool, what a fish she is! She just wants to swim by herself. She find it highly inconvenient that I have to hold her in the water because she just wants to swim on her own.

She's getting better with DH, slowly but surely. She's fine with him when I'm not around but then she doesn't want to have anything to do with him. She's getting better though. She'll talk to him and go to him now. When he does yard work, she likes to go out and watch him.

The house....we signed the papers but with a contingency that we sell our house first. We're still having doubts because B is adament about not moving and Addy is so secure in her daycare I don't want to move her. Not to mention the extra $1,000 a month and 17 extra years of a mortgage. I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens. My house still isn't ready to be listed yet. I just haven't had the energy to do much being sick.

Couple of Jokes

2007-07-12T09:49:00.000-05:00

Here's a couple of jokes...hopefully you'll get a laugh out of them like I did!

Two Old Guys:

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A
LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE, THEN.... SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.

Walmart

2007-07-12T09:48:00.000-05:00

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department ...

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least.

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Wal Mart

Update on house

2007-07-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

We went back on Monday to look at the house. I'm even more in love with it now that I had a chance to just really check it out and inspect it. My mother-in-law likes it, B doesn't. He was pouting that he hates the house, the floors are crooked, the doors are ugly, it stinks, etc.

We're meeting the realtor tonight to put in an offer - based on an inspection and that we sell our house. I already started to declutter and a POD is coming next Tuesday. I'd like to get our house listed within 2 weeks. Oh the thought of all that needs to be done is frightening but I'm excited.

New house, new baby!

Addy's brother, new house

2007-07-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

I spoke with Addy's social worker this morning. She said Addy's brother is adorable and she will try and get pictures of him and Addy's birthmom for her scrapbook. What blew me away was we had a name picked out for him if he was placed with us and it's the SAME name as his mother gave him! That just blew me away.

We're going to take a second look at the house tonight and hopefully put in an offer. With the five bedrooms and two that could be converted to bedrooms if necessary, if baby brother came to live with us we'd have plenty of room. I'm scared. We've been in our house for 10 years so that means 10 years of clutter. It's a huge decision and I'm so scared.

Impass

2007-07-06T07:58:00.000-05:00

We're at an impass on the house. The realtor came yesterday and appraised our house and I called and we got pre-approved for the mortgage. All that's left is to make an offer and put our house up.

BUT, B is literally taking temper tantrums over the move. I can't even stand to live with him anymore. He's making the whole house miserable. My heart breaks for him and yet he's royally pissing me off at the same time. Parenthood is so hard. Our town doesn't allow you to pay to go to the school unless you're a senior. We could try and get a P.O. Box for our mail (report cards) but it would only be a matter of time before we got caught and he'd have to go to the new school. The new town's schools are so much better than his current school.

I don't know what we're going to do but we need to make a decision tonight. My house needs a ton done if we're going to get it on the market in a week.

I just know it's not going to happen.

Adoption Class Kids

2007-07-04T11:18:00.000-05:00

My friend A, who I met at adoption classes last summer, just got her baby yesterday. They have two boys and were just placed with a 7 month old little girl. I can't wait to see her. She's got dark blonde hair and blue eyes and she said the boys and DH are already in love with her. She'd been living in a shelter because she was removed from her foster home due to some issues. The baby warmed right up to them and A said she's such a good baby. I'm so happy for them.

The other night when we went out to dinner, we ran into another couple from class. They had their 14 month old little boy with him. He was absolutely gorgeous - brown hair, round chubby face and the biggest aqua blue eyes I have ever seen. He is their first child and the three of them just made the most beautiful, happy family. Their adoption will be final tomorrow!

I want to have a barbeque for the families to meet up and see our kids (minus the pedofile - he will definitely NOT be invited). We all started class exactly one year ago and just about all of us have our kids. One couple is still waiting but they were the pickiest as far as what type of child they would take, etc. I knew they would probably be waiting for a long time and justly so. Adoption shouldn't be about baby shopping for the perfect child, it should be about which child needs you at the moment that you are searching for him/her. I shudder to think that one box left unchecked could have kept us from being Addy's parents. What is we had stuck with the original plan of age 6 and over? Had DH not erased it and changed it to 0-9 in hopes of getting a toddler, we wouldn't have her. What if we had only checked off our own race and not checked off every one of them, we wouldn't have her now. At risk - we were willing to accept that even though we hesitated. I'm so glad we opened ourselves up.

My dream house

2007-07-04T11:07:00.001-05:00

I found my dream house. I love primitives, antiques, old houses. We've always been looking for an historical house but they usually need a ton of work, have no closets, too far out in the country, too expensive. It's always something. Last night we went to looks at a colonial built in the 1760s. It's 3,300 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 working fireplaces, 3 livingroom spaces, tons of closets, 2-1/2 baths, a nice yard. Definitely the house we would stay in the rest of our lives. It's our dream house. It's in great shape for it's age. I'd only need to replace the kitchen floor and countertops and paint the cabinets. Down the road, redo the bathrooms, replace the furnace, convert the attic into usable space.

The realtor is coming over tomorrow to appraise our house and work out the numbers to see if we can afford it. Besides the money, the other problem would be B. He's going into his sophomore year and being 15, it's all about his friends and his social life. Even though we'd only be moving 15 minutes away, it would mean a new high school. I don't know what to do. My thought is it's not like we're moving across the country and he could still see his friends alot. Plus, he'd probably do better academically in the new school. DH is leaning with B that this is one of the most important times of his life and we shouldn't put ourselves before him right now. While I do understand where B is coming from and I totally sympathize with him, I just don't think it justifies us not moving. The school system in the new town is excellent - one of the best in the state. Fifteen minutes is nothing to meet back in the old neighborhood. He could have friends sleep over our house and vice versa.

What do you think?

Who's ya Daddy?

2007-07-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

The other night I was in the Gap with Addy while the boys went to another store. I was pushing Ad in her stroller through the store and this guy was walking by. He was built just like DH, same height, same type of shorts/shirt, just his hair was gray and DH's is brown. Addy starts yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Hi, Daddy!!!!". As we came up to him, I said "You really do look like him". The guy gave me a look like I was nuts and kept walking.

It wasn't until we had met up with the boys and were walking toward our truck that I realized it and burst out laughing. I'm white, the man was white....and Addy's black, LOL. He must have thought I was off my rocker. Who's ya Daddy?

Subsidy by state

2007-06-29T07:46:00.000-05:00

Since the subject of subsidy came up, I thought I'd post the breakdown by state for those of you who haven't seen this yet. I agree that ALL children should be eligible for a subsidy and whatever assistance they need - not based of their age or the color of their skin...but the states think otherwise.

I went into adoption not even knowing that any help would be continued after the final adoption date, but now that I know about it, I'm very grateful for it. The daycare help alone might have made the difference between us adopting Addy at age two and having to limit our age preference to school age kids.

http://www.nacac.org/subsidy_stateprofiles.html

Adoption Agreement

2007-06-27T14:16:00.000-05:00

This is for those of you who have been through the adoption courts already. I have to meet with my adoption lawyer shortly. What should I ask for in the adoption agreement? I'm afraid I won't specify something important only to have it come back on me. I found out one of the families in my daycare didn't specifically put in for daycare because they were told it's automatically paid until age 6. Now that the adoption is final, the state is refusing to pay because it's not in the agreement.

- We have good medical coverage but does she still get Medicaid? If her presciptions and co-pays could be covered, that would help alot.

- WIC told me she's eligible up until age 5. Does that have to be put in the agreement?

- How about the subsidy? She's eligible for that but do I specifically have to ask for it?

- Dental and orthodontal, is that normally covered?

- I don't expect any problems but should I ask for counseling, treatment centers, etc. to be covered just in case? Is this normal?

- Anything else I might not know of? I've read adoption books but I've never really seen this topic discussed.

Name Poll

2007-06-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

I had it all set to spell Addy's name ADALINE. Then, I went and looked at the archives of my local newspaper to verify the spelling of my great-great grandmother's name. It's spelled ADELINE. Since then, I've researched and found that ADELINE is the much more popular spelling. The thing is, I need to make a decision asap because my lawyer already asked for the name for court.

So, please give me your opinion.

Adaline

or

Adeline

The Little Mermaid

2007-06-27T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's really hot here so yesterday, while the boys were in the pool, I sat Addy on the steps to wet her feet and watch them. After a while, I started getting hot so I put on my bathing suit and got in.

Addy stood up and stretched out her arms to go in with me. So, I held on to her and told her to kick her feet. She absolutely loved it! She just wants to be free in the water so I was trying to give her as much freedom as I could without letting her face go under. She was kicking her arms and legs and having the greatest time. I swear this kid is going to be swimming by the end of summer. We stayed in over an hour and she didn't want to get out.

It knocked her out and she slept like a log from 6:30 to 6:30!

Addy is A Big Sister

2007-06-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Got the news that Addy's brother was born yesterday. They are letting mom try to parent for now since she seems to have more supports in place and this father is taking an active role. They will monitor the situation (thank God). I don't know if the baby will be in foster care with visitations or if they will let the baby home with the parents and monitor it.

I'm glad the decision is out of our hands for now. The social worker checked and we are licensed only to adopt, not foster. If we were given the opportunity to foster him, it would be a long process and there would be no guarantee. We would also wind up having contact with the mother at some point and I don't want that. I might feel a little safer once the adoption is finalized...will I ever feel truly safe? I don't know. I feel like a mama lion that is fiercely sheltering and protecting her cub from harm and I don't know if that feeling will ever go away after the papers are signed.

If the parents slack off on reunification (as she did with Addy) then hopefully, we can get his placement. I just pray that it's after August 9th because I would be afraid to take action right now.

Adoption Date Set!

2007-06-08T07:59:00.000-05:00

I just got the email from Addy's caseworker that our adoption date has been set for August 9, 2007 at 2:00 pm! She's going to come over on Saturday so I'll find out more of what happened at court and the other meeting that was on Wednesday. We also got permission to take her out of state but I want to have an adoption party for her so I don't think I should be spending money on a vacation right now.

Vacation with a foster child

2007-05-30T12:46:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I take for granted that Addy isn't officially my daughter yet. My love for her is exactly the same as it is for my boys. I was kind of surprised that it happened so quickly. It still catches me off guard sometimes when I see her laughing or she hugs me and pats me back that she's here and she's ours and I have a daughter.

It's only when I get calls from the state or her guardian ad litem that I remember we're not homefree yet.

I want to take Addy to see my sister and her family in August. I was online and had found my flights and was just about to click the button to purchase the tickets when something made me stop and question if I could even take her out of state. So I called and asked for permission to take her out of state. Her next court date is June 7th so they will petition the court then. The problem is that I can't book any flights until I get the ok. All of the cheap flights for July are already gone and most of August, too. Just think, when we come back - it will be almost over and she'
ll be ours forever.

Guardian Ad Litem meeting

2007-05-30T10:16:00.000-05:00

Addy's guardian ad litem to see us recently. He has to go to court soon for her and needed to meet with us beforehand. The meeting lasted only about 15 minutes. He was very happy with the transformation Addy has made in just a few short months. He noted how happy and healthy and secure she seemed with us.

He gave us a run down of what we can expect with court when the adoption is finalized in a few months and that we should not take anything for granted as far a subsidy/benefits that Addy could be eligible for. He said the state is broke and they don't want to spend any more money than they have to so it will be up to us to research and ask for what she needs prior to the adoption because once it's final, that's it.

For those of you who have adopted domestically, can you share what to expect? What did you ask for as part of the subsidy agreement. He said we don't need to get a lawyer to handle it. Do we?

I can't wait for all this to be over and for the judge to declare that she is ours.

Poem I got in an email this morning....

2007-05-30T10:11:00.000-05:00

"TO MY DAUGHTER"

*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

*I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day.............

Addy's Birthday party

2007-05-30T09:56:00.000-05:00

Monday night we had a party at home for Addy. Just a few people and we had a barbeque. It was a perfect day.

She adores balloons so I got her a bunch and attached them to her highchair. I picked up a pink ribbon badge that says "I'm 2 today". She had on a white dress with flowers and her hair in puppy tails with big bows. I wish I could post pics. Soon...

I don't think she knew what Happy Birthday was at first but she kept saying "Hap-Birtay" and clapping from the excitement of it all.

She got really excited when she opened her presents and she even blew out the candles on her cake. By that time she was able to say "Hap-Birtay to You", LOL.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Adaline Grace!

2007-05-28T07:22:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY, ADDY!

We're so blessed to have you in our lives and to be able to share this special day with you. We love you very much,

Love,
Daddy, Mommy, brothers B. and J.

Wild Animal Zoo

2007-05-26T18:48:00.001-05:00

Friday, Addy and I went to the zoo with her daycare. It was hot!! 90+º. It was fun showing her all these animals for the first time. I'm not sure if she had a clue what they were or not because up until now, she's only seen dogs. They have an area where the deer are free roaming and they will come right up to you and eat out of your hand. That was the coolest.

She fell asleep on my lap on the way home. It was a good day.

"She's Square"

2007-05-26T18:43:00.000-05:00

Tuesday Addy and I had to go to WIC to renew. She was fine all morning, we got there and she flipped out. She was arching her back and screaming. I tried to give her some goldfish to quiet her but she just flung them all over. She was out of control and hitting me.

She had to have her height and weight checked as part of the process. She's 34½ inches long and 34½ high. The worker there said "She's square!". LOL. That will make a great scrapbooking title.

As soon as we left she was fine. I realized later that this happens to some degree every time we meet with "adoption people". I think she gets scared that I'm going to give her away.

Creeped out

2007-05-21T09:41:00.000-05:00

I posted last year about one of the people we took adoption training class. He was the single guy who brought in a movie for us. Last Friday, dh called me at work and told me to go online and check out our local news. I almost died, there was that guy arrested for child pornography. A tipster notified the cops about him after they found suspicious stuff posted by him online. When they raided his house, they found a stash of child pornography and pictures of young boys. I immediately called the trainer and left a voice mail in case she didn't know.

I shudder to think that he might have been placed with a boy prior to his arrest. After all the abuse, neglect and everything else that children go through to get to the point of having to be put up for adoption, I can't imagine any child being excited to finally get a home and then have to be placed with a "parent" who would violate them in the worst way possible. I just hope DCF got the same vibes as the rest of us at class did and prevented this scumbag from getting access to an innocent victim.

Mother's Day

2007-05-21T09:19:00.000-05:00

Friday, May 11th Addy's daycare hosted a mother's day brunch. We had the best time. When we arrived, we were seated with two other moms and daughters. We feasted on scrambled eggs, croissants, sliced ham and a fresh fruit cup. Addy and I sat side by side on these little chairs and ate. After, the teacher came by with gifts. Addy made me the most beautiful book with a poem inside with her handprints and footprints and coloring and stamping. She also painted a flower pot and planted something in it (don't know what yet).

On Mother's Day, my stepsister had a Mother's Day brunch. Addy was a big hit but she stuck to me like velcro all day. My younger son made me a card and inside it said "You are the beast Mother in the world" (LOL) and me planted me a flower, too.

I know I keep saying it but I am truly blessed to be the mother of three beautiful, thoughtful, funny, smart kids. The journey to get to the younger two was long and hard but it made getting there that much sweeter.

Mother's Day card

2007-05-09T10:08:00.000-05:00

I sent Addy's old foster mother a Mother's Day card. I wanted to thank her for the hard work she did raising Addy for the first part of her life and to reassure her that Addy is doing ok with us. I filled up the entire inside of the card as well as the back updating her on what's been going on and I enclosed a pic of her.

I photocopied the card to save for Addy. I've been saving absolutely everything for her so when she's older, if she ever doubts that she wasn't loved enough, she'll see that so many people cared about her. It's not her fault or her birthmom's fault that she had to be adopted, it's just a fact - and I want her to understand that. Unfortunately, I could never send her birth mom a Mother's Day card because I don't even know if she would remember Addy - she's like a child herself. And again, it's not her fault that she wasn't adopted by the foster mom, it's a decision that the state made for her (and I am eternally grateful).

I'll probably update the foster mom a couple of times a year for Mother's Day and Christmas as long as the cards go unreturned.

Addy's daycare is having a Mother's Day brunch on Friday. I can't wait!

Update....going to be long

2007-05-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

It's hard to find the time anymore to sit and collect my thoughts enough to post. Time is hard to come by. I've always heard that the transition from 2 to 3 is the biggest of all and it's true. I had to close down my side business this weekend. I had a craft and antique booth in an antique craft store and I just don't have the time to paint and sew like I used to now that Miss Addy is here. And frankly, I don't really even want to. My entire focus and attention is on her right now. Daily we're establishing that bond between a mother and a daughter and I still pinch myself when I listen to her laugh or watch her sleeping to think that I could be this lucky. Addy is the love of my love and I know that we were meant to live this life together.

She's doing so well in daycare and they love her there. The boys love to play with her and make her laugh and she adores them. My mother and mother-in-law are head over heels for her, too. She is saying more and mroe words every day that I didn't even know she knew. She'll just come out with it and them I'm amazed.

I did speak to Early Intervention about what to do with DH. I don't know how to deal with him anymore. I don't even know how to describe him but he's frustrated I guess is the best word. He wants Addy to act like the boys did, laughing all the time, secure in their surroundings. She gets all excited when he picks her up from daycare everyday and she's fine with him until I get home and then she cries, she wants to be with me and be held and he wants her to just continue on doing her thing and not be so clingy. I don't mind at all that she wants to be attached at the hip, I've been waiting my whole life for a daughter and if this is where she wants to be, that's fine with me. But, that takes time away from him and the housework and the laundry. Maybe he's jealous?

I can't get it through his head that he can't compare them because the boys never went through what's she's gone through, she was taken from her mother at birth, taken from her foster mother, now she's with us and she has had to adjust to a whole new set of people and surroundings in daycare, too. I think she's doing so amazingly well under the circumstances, not to mention the fact that she's only 23 months! I guess I don't have too much sympathy for him when he starts whining. I just want to smack him upside the head and tell him to grow up already.

How do I get him to come around? Are there any books that would help or experiences or advice you can share? Early Intervention is going to check around to see if she can come up with any resources to help him through this. It's just going on barely 4 months since we got our referral and 3 months since she moved in and I think his expectations of the perfect happy baby are letting him down. I don't even know if it's that. He's under tremendous stress with his mother's Alzheimer's but so am I! I don't know what to do anymore. He loves her and plays with her and feeds her and dresses her but the minute the whining and crying starts, he seems to almost shut down.

I know this post is rambling and possibly half incoherent but I just don't know what to do anymore. I've spent the last year reading on all the problems dealing with hurt children and how to help them but how do I help my husband deal with the adjustment? I don't ever recall reading anything on this and I never expected it, either. I don't know what to do. I shudder to even think of it getting to an impass - giving her back would never be an option to me and I don't even know if it would be for him but if there comes a point where he can't handle it anymore, could we end up divorced over this? I don't know. I'm just praying that time will heal everything.

Funniest Blog

2007-04-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

I love this blog:

http://dontgetmestarted-lindasharp.typepad.com/

If you like American Idol, she has *the* funniest recaps.

Go Blake and Jordin!

Addy's aunt

2007-04-16T12:21:00.000-05:00

Addy's caseworker mails me pics of Addy's family whenever she can. I'm piecing her history and family together so that Addy will have it when she gets older.

On Friday, I got a packet of pictures of Addy's aunt with a note from Addy's sw that she's going to be the child of the week on TV for the adoption segment. She's only six years old and in kindergarten. She's in a wheelchair and has many medical conditions and developmental issues (I suspect she has FAS but I could be wrong). My heart broke. What are the chances that she's going to get adopted? I knew exactly who she was from reading Addy's file. Every time Child Protective Services was called for Addy's mother or siblings, it was documented. This poor girl suffered such severe neglect and the neighbors and school would always call about her. I'm glad to see that she was removed.

I'm so pissed at Addy's grandmother. She couldn't take care of all the kids that she had yet she just had another baby recently. That makes me sick. She's only in her 30's so she can keep producing for another decade potentially. Plus, now her children are having children and they're in foster care along with their mothers. I just want to go to her house and smack some sense into her and tell her to get her tubes tied.

Post Adoption Depression

2007-04-13T08:27:00.000-05:00

Ahh, maybe I'm not a sucky mom after all. I found this post on Omegamom's blog that describes "Post Adoption Depression" perfectly. Maybe that's I'm going through? Check it out:

http://omegamom.com/2006/01/04/baby-shock/

No supermom in this house

2007-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

I have to admit my whole life has been completely turned upside down with the arrival of Miss Addy. My boys are older and more independent so I had tons of down time for myself. Gone are the long hours I spent at the computer scouring photolistings and adoption boards, blogs and websites. The hours at night to sew or read - I miss that. It's been years since I've had a 1 year old and I forgot how much time and work they are and frankly, I'm not as young as I was back then either!

My poor blog has become as neglected as my housework, laundry, side job antique/craft business, marriage. Addy wakes up with my every morning at 6:15 like clockwork and then it's rush, rush, rush to get everyone dressed and out the door for 7:30. Then I rush to daycare, rush to work. I get in early and work straight through with no breaks or lunches so I can have every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon off. But the downside is that by the time the supper dishes are done, baths given, homework done and I fall into bed at night on those long days, I'm exhausted and spent.

Honestly, lately when I'm running around like a nut in the morning and Addy won't let me do her hair or the dog just threw up on the carpet or B missed the bus and needs a ride to school, I think of that baby that's coming and I don't know how I could do it without having a nervous breakdown. I find myself getting depressed and overwhelmed because I feel stretched and pulled in a million directions at the same time. Kids fighting and crying, bills that need to get paid, housework that needs to get done, laundry that piles up, etc.

How do those Supermoms do it? I'm probably a SoSoMom at best. My kids are loved, secure, happy, healthy and clean so I know I'm a success as far as they're concerned but all the other aspects of my life feel like a never ending house of cards that's ready to topple with each added weight.

Don't think that I'm ungrateful or that I regret adopting because that couldn't be more wrong. After suffering through years of secondary infertility and then going through the adoption process, I really, really wanted and fought to make my family. I actually started crying driving to work today because I still am so overwhelmed that I got so lucky to be chosen for Addy. I am so blessed and proud to be her mommy. I love her more than words could ever describe and I still feel like I have to pinch myself that this beautiful little soul is all mine. It's just that I'm tired and worn right now.

Brother/sister to be

2007-04-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

When the social worker came out to visit Addy yesterday, we discussed Addy's new baby brother or sister that's due in June. DH and I still haven't come to a decision. It's so hard to make.

Him:

- house is too small
- money is too tight
- we're already stretched to the limit with 3 kids and 3 dogs

Me:

- are you kidding? Do you know what a blessing this is? Most people in the adoption process would kill to have this dilemma
- there is no greater thing we can do for Addy than for her to grow up with her biological sibling
- yes it will be hard for the first few years, but after that it will be so great that they're only 2 years apart. They can basically grow up together
- money, time and space is always going to too tight...what's one more? There will never be enough time or money but there will always be "just enough" no matter what
- if we say no, I will always have the question in my head did we do the right thing?

and then....the cons:

- baby will be placed with us as a foster child so there is always the chance we might lose the baby to the mother or another family member, no matter how small it's still there
- getting another 6 weeks off from work. I'm afraid to even ask! Two maternity leaves in 4 months??!!!
- will I have enough time to do everything? There are only 24 hours in a day and will DH and I end up burned out and the kids end up neglected in the process?

We have roughly 2 months to pray, argue, think and come to an answer. Any thoughts or opinions?

Early Intervention/Social worker visit

2007-04-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

Addy's social worker (aka guardian angel) came to see her. Addy and Katy, the dog, were looking out the front window as usual and she was yelling "Hi!" and jumping up and down on the couch when she saw her. The sw was again amazed that this is the same kid. She can't believe how much she's talking and how outgoing she's become in the two months since we've had her. Addy was "singing" Itsy Bitsy Spider for her and doing Pat-a-Cake. She said she looks like a different kid.

Early Intervention came to evaluate her and she no longer needs services! Woohoo!!! They said she's right on target now with where she should be. Yay!

Still sick

2007-03-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

Addy is still sick. If she's still throwing up and having diarrhea tomorrow I'll take her in. No one else in the house has gotten it, though I don't know how but my mother came over to see her Saturday and she called me this morning that she has it. It's really going around here from what I've been hearing.

As long as she keeps hydrated she'll be ok. I just hate to see any of my babies sick.

New Disney Princess

2007-03-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

I must admit, I never really thought much about the gross underepresentation of African-American children's stuff until I got Addy. Looking in stores and magazines, there are always plenty of white baby dolls and books and toys but slim pickings for black ones. The Disney Princesses - a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, a Native American, an Indian an Asian. Where is the African-American Princess?

I was literally ecstatic to see Disney's annoucement for their newest Princess, the first African-American Princess. And, if that wasn't the cat's ass, her name is Maddy! The movie is "The Frog Princess" and it's set to be released in 2009. It takes place in the french quarter of New Orleans. Addy will be 4 when the movie is released, the perfect age. I'm so excited for her and all black girls to finally have their own princess. It's long overdue.

Sick baby :(

2007-03-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

Addy woke up at 3:00 this morning throwing up. I've been sleeping with her since she came to us and she got both of us plus all the bedding and her favorite "blankey". No sooner did I get the sheets changed and both of us into clean pjs when she did it again. This has now been going on all day. I've changed both of us at least 4 times. Poor pumpkin. She just looks so pathetic and miserable.

Damn Glowworm Tripped Us Up

2007-03-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

When Addy first came to us for visits, she had a glow worm that she used to take with her. She used it to go to sleep and would press it about 20 times before she'd fall asleep. Early on, the batteries died and I didn't have replacements and she loves her thumb and blanket so she just used those to fall asleep.

Last night, I put new batteries in the thing and gave it to her at bedtime at 7:30. Holy shit, all hell broke loose. She flipped out, crying hysterically, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't stay in bed. This went on for three hours before she finally conked out from exhaustion. At first, I couldn't figure out why she was crying then I kind of figured it out that the worm triggered memories of the foster family. I asked her if she missed them and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to go bye-bye to see them and she said yes and she went over to the door and was trying to get out. My heart broke for her. Even though I don't like the care she was given, they are still the only family she has known and the stupid worm reminded her of her first home.

She's been extra cranky today, probably from lack of sleep. She woke up several times last night crying, too. Tomorrow I go back to work and she starts daycare - this couldn't have come at a worse time. I hope she's ok. On top of that, Tuesday I have Early Intervention coming over and the last time they came, she took her only other temper tantrum.

I wish I could've taken her right from the hospital, I wish her mother had been capable of being her mother, I wish I could make all the hurt go away...

Addy is very lucky to have only been in one foster home and to be adopted at such an early age, but there are still repercussions and traumas that she has and will endure because of it. My hope is that DH and I can help her through her hurts and to guide her into a successful, happy adult. It's only been a month and I can honestly say I would die for her if I had to, the love I feel for her is that strong. That's why it hurts me to see her hurt.

Settling in

2007-03-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much to post because we're just getting into the routine of becoming a family with Addy. That means just lots of hanging around getting to know each other and bonding. I'm so happy that Addy has bonded to us so fully and completely. She is just a doll. I can't believe how much I have fallen in love with this little girl. I was so prepared for a long wait and the problems that come with adopting but I really haven't experienced anything but joy. She is such a sweet, good soul and I am forever greatful that the red thread was attached to her.

Some things I love about Addy:

- When she laughs she crinkles up her nose and pulls her jaw to the side so her top and bottom teeth don't line up
- She loves to talk on the phone, or a calculator or anything that resembles the shape of a phone. Then she yells "Huh-wo" and talks gibberish
- When she hugs us, she pats our back
- She's left-handed like me! We're the only ones in the family (I knew she was my daughter!)
- When the dogs come in from outside or the boys come home from school, she screams and jumps up and down and yells their name like she hasn't seen them in a year
- The curls in her hair are so soft and springy. My hair is stick straight so it's a treat to play with it and put it in little puppy tails on top of her head
- The way she walks, she has this chubby baby toddle that makes me want to scoop her up and eat her
- The way she says Yes to everything. "Addy, do want to be a pickle", she nods. "Addy, do you want to go to the moon?" she nods
- Her voice and her laugh. She has this deep, husky voice that is so funny coming from this little girl
- How much she loves me. She follows me all around calling me MaMa and loves when I hold her and cuddle and hug
- When we put her to bed and she doesn't want to sleep, she'll tiptoe out and hand me something like that, she thinks I'll forget that she was supposed to be in bed. Last night it was a Cinderella plastic toy dish, LOL
- She's always lifting up her shirt and showing us her fat belly then she laughs hysterically when we kiss or blow raspberries on it
- When she's done eating, she yells "All Done!" then "Doggy" and holds her plate out to them
and my favorite...
- She gets her favorite "Blanky" and holds it in her hand and rubs it while she sucks her thumb. It melts my heart every time

Daycare Run

2007-03-12T08:59:00.000-05:00

This morning Addy went to daycare for her trial run. :****( I'm still crying. The house is so lonely without her. I brought her in and the director took her over to her group and told me I could leave, that she would be fine. It was too quick for me even though they told me beforehand that this is the best way. I wonder how she's doing?

I've been very depressed lately. Money issues with me taking time off from work for Addy have really been taking it's toll. I know that she needed that to establish the bond with our family and I wouldn't change it, but the bills hanging over my head while I was out of work kept me from totally enjoying the time off. We still haven't even gotten a dime for foster payment yet and that would've helped a little bit. I go back to work on Monday and I'm dreading it. I don't want to be away from her for 8-9 hours. I have Tuesdays off and I work 1/2 Thursday so she'll only be there the long hours on Mon/Wed/Fri. Plus, DH works a rotating schedule so if he has a day off during the week he can keep her home or at least pick her up early.

I need to get out of this funk. I just want to mope around and cry. Sending Addy to daycare today hasn't helped me either. I miss her.

First Portraits

2007-03-10T12:06:00.000-05:00

My friend and I took our girls to Sears this week for pictures. My house is decorated in the primitive, Little House on the Prairie style so I dressed Addy up in a dress and bonnet and took some antique toys and props with me. Oh My Gosh! One was cuter than the next. I ended up spending a ton of money that we don't have but how could I not get the pics. I'll post one where you can't see her face. After she's adopted, I'm going to post them all. She was such a doll, she loves having her picture taken and made it very easy for the photographer.

Back and Bonded!

2007-03-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

I've been spending my time away from the computer and bonding with Addy. Only one more week left to my maternity leave! It flew by. Addy finally made a breakthough with DH last week. She loves him now. Addy and I have just been spending our days hanging out with each other and bonding. She's adjusted so well into the family, it feels like she's always been here. She loves the boys and dogs and playing in her room.

She can eat!!! There hasn't been anything she's tried so far that she doesn't like. She weighs 36 lbs and she's 21 months old. She's going to be a big girl.

Her shower was just incredible. She looked like a little princess in her pink and white dress, white tights and shoes and little pink bows in her hair. All of my family and friends were just way too generous with her. She got beautiful outfits and toys and dolls and books and other things. Everyone that meets her falls in love.

We signed her up for daycare and she does a trial run on Monday. The facility is nice and it turns out that one of DH's co-worker's sister used to work there. We just reassurances from her that it's a good, safe place for Addy to be.

We met with the social worker last week and she can't believe it's the same kid that she placed us with a month ago. Her vocabulary has exploded, she's happy and healthy. She gave us some pictures of her grandmother (37), uncle (6 months), aunt (16), her son (8 months and in DCF care). I also got her full file. It took me about an hour to go through and it broke my heart but I'm glad Addy will have it to read one day. DCF has been working with this family since Addy's mother was young. The environment that she grew up in was horrendous. Every time a complaint report was filed on the mother from the neighbors or schools, etc. is documented. I thank God everyday that Addy was pulled from that situation at birth and will never experience the gross neglect and more that her mother and the siblings suffered.

We still haven't made a decision whether we are going to take Addy's brother or sister when it's born in a few months. Our house is teeny and time is tight. We'll see where we're at when the time comes. I would love Addy to have the biological connection though. Sadly, her mother is 17 and already on her second child so I'm sure there will be many more children to come. The mom's evaluation broke my heart. She has an IQ of 60 and reads and draws at a 1st grade level. Why can't they do anything to keep her from getting pregnant? Obviously, she isn't capable of raising these children and I'm pretty sure that she is incapable of grasping birth control/sexual issues/consequences. The whole situation just breaks my heart but I can't even express how grateful and blessed I am to have Addy from her.

Last Two Weeks

2007-02-18T09:13:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to post a million times but I'm gun shy about opening myself up for critism anymore. My words and intentions have been twisted and I've been so maligned on that other blog that it's just soured my view on blogs right now. I think when people are hiding behind a computer spewing their self-righteousness, they forget that there are real people on the other end.

Anyway, Addy is doing so good. She's still really attached to me and on/off with DH. She seems to love him as long as he's across the room from her. She's eating, sleeping, playing, happy. We're all in love with her.

Early Intervention came on Tuesday and I saw her first temper tantrum. She was ok when the worker first got here then she started getting really clingy and whiny. About 20 minutes into it, she started screaming and hitting herself. I don't know if she thought the worker was coming to take her away or if she wanted to go back to the foster home. After the worker left, it took her 1/2 an hour to get back to her old self. I felt so bad that she was hurting like this. This is such a tough age, she doesn't understand what's going on and we can't verbalize to each other.

I ordered her Adoption Annoucements this week! They're pale green background with a baby carriage that says "Our New Addition" and I have a pic of her that was taken at my friend's house of her in a green top with white bows in her hair smiling into the camera. (And again, I hesitated to post this because it might be construed that I'm being materialistic spending money on annoucements, but whatever.)

Her Baby Shower is today at 1:00. Yay! I can't wait. I got her a pink and white eyelet dress with a cotton sweater. ($9.99 each at Babies R' Us, is that cheap enough for you?). We're having about 20-25 people at my mom's house. I'll post more on that later tonight.

Judging, Trashing and Bashing

2007-02-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

I made my blog private but I've been getting emails from my faithful readers not to let the trashers and bashers get the best of me.

I need to develop a tough skin, I guess.

Legally Free!!!!

2007-02-07T11:16:00.000-05:00

Caseworker called and asked if I was sitting down, court was yesterday and birthmom didn't show so the judge terminated her parental rights and she is now legally free! What a relief - now the foster mom has no recourse to fight us on the adoption.

Early Intervention called and they are coming next Tuesday morning to reevaluate her. The caseworker is coming by at the same time to drop off all of Addy's paperwork since we can now have access to it since she has been TPRed. I'm dying to read everything, hopefully this should give me some insight into the first 18 months of her life and the birthmom's lengthy evaluation is in there, too.

Once again, I am astonished how fast everything is coming along. The caseworker said that she has never seen Addy looking so healthy and happy in her whole life and she is so pleased that we are such a good match with each other. :)

Update on homecoming

2007-02-07T07:51:00.000-05:00

Monday - The caseworker called and said she was swamped and asked if I could meet her near the fosterhome instead for Addy's pickup. It was so cold and the wind was whipping that we didn't linger in the parking lot for the transfer. I signed the papers and left. It was the best feeling to put Addy in her carseat knowing that I would never have to send her back again.

When we got home, I had a big sign in front of the house "It's a Girl" and a huge mylar balloon and other balloons tied to the front porch. Addy started squealing when she saw them. So, I untied them and brought them in for her.

We had company all night long because everybody wanted to come and see her. We had her celebration cake and when company left at 9:00, she went right to bed.

Then I could go through her stuff that was sent. First off, no lifebook. I am so beyond pissed at this woman for not doing one. How can you have a baby in your home for 18 months and not care enough to record those months for her? She sent a photo album with a dozen pictures of Addy, her foster siblings and the foster mom. The one she sent was literally from 1984 and she cut the man out of it because his shoulders are still in the picture. Whatever. Where is her hospital pic and ID tag? Where are the milestones set? Why couldn't she take the time to write a paragraph a month about her babyhood? I could cry for her that she'll have that 18 month void of her beginnings. I have to ask the caseworker if she could write something down about her visits and what she saw, describe the home. She's the only link to that time that Addy will have.

I went through her clothes and there is nothing salvable. Everything is too small and too old. I'm taking them back to Goodwill where I'm sure they came from. What did she spend the $400 a year clothing allowance on? Certainly not on Addy.

She got a plastic bin of toys that I haven't gone through yet. I don't know if I should give them to Addy or not. I don't want her constantly reminded of her old home while playing them.

Tucked away in the suitcase with her Early Intervention paperwork (which she cancelled BTW when she found out she wasn't getting Addy) was a letter. It told me what she eats, when she sleeps and naps, etc. Just basic stuff. I guess I was hoping for a letter to Addy with something meaningful for her to have but there wasn't. Oh well.

Yesterday I took her to my work to show her off and she was a huge hit toddling all over and playing peek-a-boo in the cubicles. That's it. We're settling in nicely except that if she could velcro herself to my hip she would. She wouldn't go to DH at all. She still loves J and gets so excited whenever he is around. It's hysterical to watch her with him. She copies everything he does and follows him around.

I can't imagine life without this little girl in it. I'm amazed that it's happened so fast and so smoothly.

Three Trees

2007-02-07T07:49:00.000-05:00

For all of you who are in the midst of adoption....

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They were discussing
their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday I hope to be a
treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I
could be decorated with intricate carving and everyone would see the
beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take
Kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world.
Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest and
straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill and
look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to
them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will
always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of
woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said,"This
looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a
carpenter, "and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he
knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree. I
should be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happy
because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because
he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true. One of the
Woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from my
Tree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenter, he was made into a feed box
For animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not
at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreams of
being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they
placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first
tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this
manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event
And knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second
Tree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the
water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to
keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and He stood and
Said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the tree knew that it had
carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried through the
streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to
a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the
top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong
enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was
possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way,
always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God
will give you great gifts.

Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had
imagined.

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His ways
are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Addy's Got a Forever Home Day

2007-02-05T07:35:00.000-05:00

I better write this post because once Addy gets here because I may not have time tonight. Today is one of the most important days in Addy's life and she doesn't even know it. I'm happy she's coming home but for some reason, I'm sad for her, too. I know her foster home is crappy but it's the only home she's ever known since birth and she is bonded to the foster mom and her foster siblings. She will experience yet another loss today.

I baked a celebration cake for her and I'm going to run out and get a pink stork yard sign and balloons for her. I was talking to J last night when I was making the cake. I told him when he was born there was lots of celebration and happiness and people came to the hospital to see him and brought him presents and he had a Mommy and Daddy who loved him and a whole family waiting for him. I said when Addy was born, there was no one there for her. She had to stay in the hospital for ten whole days before a foster home was even found for her to go to. She had no Mommy or Daddy or family, there was no celebration, no presents, no home to go to. So, today is like her Homecoming, just 19 months late.

Welcome to our family, Addy Grace! We love you.

Sleepover

2007-02-03T07:49:00.000-05:00

Addy did so good! She came over at 1:00 and we played with her toys. She ate two bowls of macaroni and cheese. Then we waited and looked out the window until Jack came home from school. She squealed and got all excited yelling "Hi!" out the window at him.

She was getting tired so I laid down with her until she fell asleep. She slept about an hour then woke up and got really scared because she didn't know where she was. Then Daddy fed her some ground beef and cheese. She still doesn't like him and is only ok if I'm sitting right next to her while he's in the room.

A & J played rock/paper/scissors right near her and she started playing with them. I told A not to get discouraged, to give it a month and she'll be fine. She's not even living here yet. I'm so tired of his whining. It'll happen.

When I put her to bed, she just played with her lullaby glow worm until she fell asleep. She woke up at 3:00, 5:00 then 6:30 for the day. I was amazed how good she did. I slept with her so every time she woke up and got scared I just soothed her and she went right back to sleep.

She got two beautiful gifts yesterday. A Corky & Company cream colored winter coat from Nordstom with pink and tan leopard spots and little sparkles with matching hat and mittens and a pair of pink Ugg boots. She looks beautiful in her new coat. It puts the one I got her on ebay to shame, LOL.

Court

2007-02-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was court. I got there around 9:30 and met up with Addy's caseworker. The birthmom and the foster mom both didn't show and mediator was running late so we were going to miss our 10:00 slot. She told me to go get a cup of coffee and come back around 10:30.

When I got back around 10:15, I stood outside the court room until 12:10 when the caseworker came out and said to just go home. The judge was stopping court for lunch then she was going to hear criminal cases until 2:30 so Addy's case wouldn't be heard between 2:30 and 4:30.

I missed seeing Addy yesterday, too. Because court should have been done by 10:15, the caseworker was going to get Addy for a visit and now that wasn't possible. So, what's a girl to do? Yup, go shopping for Addy. I went to Old Navy and hit the jackpot. For $35, I got a huge bag full of dresses, shirts, boots, a blanket, a stuffed animal, tights and socks. Then when I got home, I got to do the happy dance over the packages waiting for me. I got a bunch of toys that I bought on ebay and the Children's Place order. Yay! I love baby girl clothes.

This morning I got an email from the caseworker that court is now 2/6. If birthmom doesn't show again, then it's 21 days and her rights will be terminated. I'm not required at court on Tuesday which is good because I'll have Addy by then.

Today is my last day at work. I'm leaving here about 12:15 to be home for Addy. She'll be dropped off around 12:45 for her sleepover. I promised J that Addy and I will be there waiting when he gets out of school!

Addy's pics from first visit

2007-01-31T16:11:00.000-05:00

I took out the pics we took of Addy at our first meeting with her. I can't believe it's the same kid. She has this dead empty look in her eyes that just saddens me. She has literally come alive in the short time we have had her. If we have come this far so soon, I can't imagine how she will thrive and grow once she's placed with us full time.

If only I could make the hurts of her first months of life just go away and make everything better. I can only be there to help her heal and grow. I love that little baby so much my heart could burst.

Court tomorrow

2007-01-31T13:38:00.000-05:00

Addy's caseworker emailed me, she was wrong on the court date - it's tomorrow @ 10:00. She really wants me there, so I'm using yet another vacation day. We're not even out of January and they're going to be all used up. She would like to set up contact arrangements with the birthmom if she shows up. She said that she hasn't shown up for a visit since June 2006 so to just offer pictures and written accounts and bmom will probably accept that.

Caseworker is going to try and work on getting her placed right away if bmom agrees to terminate her parental rights tomorrow. If not, she'll let us have visitation tomorrow afternoon, and longer than originally scheduled on Saturday. Every little bit helps to keep her away from fostermom.

It might be over tomorrow!

Another visit down...

2007-01-30T16:34:00.000-05:00

Today I met the caseworker at a neutral spot at 9:30. As soon as we got out of our cars, she told me this was the worst day yet. When I peeked in to her car, Addy was there with her face literally covered with dried snot. One nose was completely clogged, it was all over her cheek, her nose, her forehead. I ran into the restaurant and soaked some baby wipes at worked at it as best as I could.

We drove to A's work to show everyone. She was being shy and clinging to me. She did go to one lady though. From there we came home. One of the girls we took adoption class called and I told her I'd bring Addy by her store to see her. When I went to change her outfit into one that fit, I took off the jacket part of the outfit and when I went to unsnap the onsie shirt, I saw she was soaked all the way up her chest. I changed her diaper and I could tell it hadn't been changed since the night before. I was livid. I put on a nice comfortable outfit and brushed her hair and changed her into clean socks that fit.

I called the caseworker and pleaded with her to do the emergency removal. She is disgusted and said she'd see what she could do. When she called back, she said no luck. (I think that if it was just Addy in the home they could do it but since there is the other girl that would have to be removed they may not have a spot open for her to be moved to). She said the mother has a hearing tomorrow and we are welcome to go. I haven't been in work all week so I really need to go the few days before my leave starts. I would love to.

Addy is still no better attaching to A. If anything, she's even worse. He can't even look at her and she cries. He's getting frustrated and that's not helping either. I'm sure she senses it.

I took her to my friend's boutique and she gave Addy a little knitted sock cat. I bought her an adorable hat for the summer. She is going to get her homestudy changed so if we decide not to accept Addy's brother or sister, she'll have a shot. That would be so great as an alternative.

After lunch, Addy and I went to view the daycare facility. She will start on 3/12 for a few hours to get her used to it and then officially start on 3/19 when I go back to work. I asked and they do take infants over 6 weeks. I have to call and see if it is possible to have two maternity leaves in six months, LOL.

Big News!

2007-01-29T19:53:00.000-05:00

The caseworker dropped Addy off this morning. She was dressed in a coat that was so small it couldn't be pulled together enough to zip. When I took off her hat, she saw what a mess her hair was. The clothes were too small again. She apologized for her coming like this and asked if I could bathe her and wash her hair. She said her face was a mess this morning and she tried to wipe the snots off as best she could before she took her in.

She said that due to the conditions of the baby, she was going to try and get an emergency placement. She said that if that happened, the baby would just not go home but everything of hers would have to stay (no big loss). I told her we had everything we needed already.

She also had BIG NEWS. The birthmom is pregnant again, due in June and we have priority placement if we want the child. Sex is unknown. Wow, that news was totally unexpected. We have a LOT to discuss before June. I would love Addy to have her bio sib grow up with her and to have that connection that she could never have with us. On the other hand, four kids is a lot. I would do it in a heartbeat, DH is going to take some convincing.

Addy was a peach as usual today. She is just the most laid back kid. She cuddles, she plays, she laughs. She let me bathe and wash her hair no problem, I change her dipes and she just lifts her legs for me to do it. Anything I feed her she happily eats. She was sitting next to J on the couch watching tv and she reached up and played with the hair on top of his head, she was doing belly laughs at him playing peek-a-boo and she loves to jump on the couch and her bed.

DH is having a tough time with her. She hasn't attached to him yet and he's taking it personally. He doesn't understand that it takes time and it will take even longer with him because there were no men in her life before. I think it hurts that she is so attached to me already.

When I dropped her off to the caseworker, she was going to have a talk with the foster mother to let her go sooner than later. She told her on the phone today that it's hurting Addy at this point more than helping her and these last few days are only for the fostermom. She said she would think about it and I don't know what happened with the drop off this afternoon. Hopefully, we'll have good news today and Addy will be home for good. At least the end is in sight, less than a week to go.

Saturday visit

2007-01-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

The car service came and I went out to get her. She smiled at me when she saw me! I carried her onto the front porch where J was waiting and she said "HI" in a really loud voice to him and waved! She was smiling at the dogs. As soon as I got her coat off, she made a beeline straight to her room and went right for the toys. J and her played in there for a while. They climbed up on her toddler bed and both laid down and she was pretending to sleep and smiling. She was really playful. So I climbed onto her twin bed and pretended to snore and she was literally laughing and squealing.

Then my mother came over with donuts and she tried the chocolate covered but she didn't like the chocolate so my mother-in-law fed her some of her sugar jelly donut and she loved it. I woke B up (the 14 y.o.) and Addy and J and B sat on the floor in the livingroom playing with wooden blocks. The boys would build up the blocks and Addy would knock them over. She was having a blast. Some of B's friends came over and they all went in Addy's room. She was having the best time being the center of attention. She was dancing and being silly. It was incredible to see her personality for the first time.

DH came home from work and today she wanted nothing to do with him. She cried when he held her and kept yelling "Mama". She was going "eh" and smacking him away, LOL. She definitely is spirited. She only wanted me though, she wouldn't go to my mil or mother. She loved the boys though.

She ate another hotdog and some white grape juice. I put cortisone cream all over her hand and her legs and belly and it really softened up her skin and she wasn't scratching.

Once again, the clothes. She had on newborn socks. I had taken off her shoes and she kept going "uh oh Mama" and pointing to them every time they came half off. I changed her into a pair that I bought her that fit. Looking back over the pictures I took of her Tuesday, Friday and yesterday, you can literally see her hair explode. It must have been fairly clean on Tuesday because the curls were tight, Friday her hair was unruly. Yesterday, she had a full out afro going on - it looked like a rat's nest. The pants were too tight and short again. I can't wait to get this baby home and dress her in comfortable clothes.

At 12:45 the car service came. As soon as he walked in the door, Addy burst into tears. She knew what was coming. She cried the whole time I put on her coat, carried her out and strapped her in. She was hysterical at that point but there was nothing I could do but kiss her and then close the door. I could hear her cries as the van pulled away. It's just not right to put this baby through this.

No visit today. The house is so sad and quiet without her. It's amazing how fast she became part of our family. 8 more days and she's home for good. It's going to be a tough week, especially since we don't get her at all for two days in a row Wed and Thurs. I don't know how I'm going to do it.

We all love her so much.

Friday visit

2007-01-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

Addy's first visit was Friday morning. The caseworker called and said that she was still coming but would have to be picked up a few hours earlier because the foster mother made a doctor's appointment for her at 12:00. Whatever. So she was dropped off at 9:00 and was picked up at 11:15.

The car service came and I ran out to get her. She cried a bit when I took her out of the carseat but then she was ok. We came inside and she was oohing and ahhing over the dogs. I took her into her bedroom and she made a beeline to the toy corner and started playing with the electronic activity table I got her. She kept yelling "Doh" and pointing to the dogs. Katy kept coming and sniffing her and she would pet her very gently.

My mother came over and my mother-in-law got back from taking J to school. So, I moved the activity table to the livingroom and she played out there. There's a little telephone and she knew right away to put it up to her ear. My mother-in-law (who is in love with her BTW, I knew it!!!) was playing peek-a-boo with her and she smiled and came out of her shell a little bit. She was really attached to me right away wanting me to hold her. When I went into the kitchen to make coffee, she started to cry and yelled "Mama". I'm still amazed that she picked up right away on Mama and Dada.

DH came home from work and when he went into our bedroom, she was craning her neck to see where he went and she called out "Dada!" and put up her hands like she didn't know where he went.

She ate some Gerber strawberry banana puffs, 3/4 of a hotdog and a little juice. Her eczema is so bad on her hand. The knuckle has a huge crack in the skin. When I was changing her diaper, as soon as I pulled it off she started scratching her belly. Her skin is so dry, poor baby.

She came with her hair sticking straight up and not even brushed. She had dried snots all over her forehead and cheek. Her clothes were too small again. I'm buying 4T and she had on an 18 month outfit. Again, the pants fit her more like capris.

She did so incredibly well, the visit couldn't have gone better. She went to my mother and snuggled into her and almost fell asleep. She was doing High-5, she loves to shaker her head no but she said yes a few times, too.

The car service came and I brought her out to the car and strapped her in and kissed her and told her I loved her.

Yay! Visitation set!

2007-01-24T19:43:00.000-05:00

I worried all morning because I never heard from the caseworker yesterday. She emailed me at work and it included a visitation schedule with the baby starting this Friday! After I got done crying, I emailed her back and she called me. She apologized for not calling me after the hearing yesterday but it lasted a long time so she never ended up going back to the office where my number was. She said it was rough, the foster mother put up a real stink but she said that they presented "an overwhelming amount of evidence" against her. The committee has 30 days to issue their written decision. Once that is made, her only option would be to take the case herself to family court. The caseworker said not to worry.

So! Visitation begins on Friday. I have her for a few hours in the morning. Saturday, same thing. No visit Sunday. Monday, all day. Tuesday, all day. No visits Wednesday or Thursday. On Friday, she gets dropped off at 1:00 for an overnight visit and gets picked up Saturday at 1:00. No visit Sunday. Monday 2/5 - she moves in!!!

I worked out next week with work. I'll work around her visits and use vacation time for the rest. Then my maternity leave officially starts 2/5 and I return to work on 3/19.

I stopped off after work tonight and bought her some wooden blocks because she loved playing and stacking at the museum. I got her 3 pairs of pajamas. I showed Jack the little pink camouflage pair that I got her for her sleepover next Friday night!

Friday, I pick her up at 8:45 at a neutral location and then a driver will pick her up at 12:30. The boys will be in school so I'll have some alone tme with her getting her used to the house and the dogs. My mother is coming over to meet her new granddaughter and my mother-in-law will be here. DH is trying to get out of work at 11:00 so he can see her, too. On Saturday, the boys will get to see her for the first time. I'm so excited for them.

I

It's so hard...

2007-01-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

I took her pictures to work today and it's so hard to look at them and not to have her with me. She already has my heart and she is my daughter. Now I have to just be patient and wait until I can bring her home. I am so looking forward to having her 24 hours a day for my maternity leave, to help her establish the bond that I already have her and to attach.

Am I allowed to post pics of her? I wish I could show you all how precious she is. She is absolutely perfect. My little doll.

You know that poem by Maureen Hawkins- "Before you were born.."? That's exactly how I feel. I had to tweak it to fit adopting but the feelings were the same yesterday seeing her for the first time as they were on the days I gave birth to my sons.

Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
Before you were in my arms a minute, I would have died for you.
That is the miracle of life.

Her Room so far

2007-01-23T22:24:00.000-05:00

Our FIrst Meeting!!

2007-01-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

We're head over heels absolutely in love! We met at a children's museum. Addy and her caseworker were in a room waiting for us. We went in and and I gave her the bear. She was very serious, checking us out. We sat on the couch and DH asked if he could have this stuffed crab thing she was holding. She gave it to him. Then I held the shape sorter and she tried putting the shapes in. She kept looking to the caseworker for comfort.

After about 10 minutes, we went out into the museum. We looked at the fish then we took her into the water room. I put a little red smock on her and she splashed her fingers in the water and played with the ball pit balls. She would scoop them out of the water and put them in a colander and then dump them back into the water and start all over again. She would hand us the balls. During this time, the caseworker slipped out.

We took her upstairs and she played with the big plastic foam stacking blocks then we took her into the jungle room and she loaded up a wagon with plastic rocks. Then she ruffled through my pocketbook and tried to put on my sunglasses. She kept sticking them on her neck instead of her eyes (so cute!) After that we took her over the the magnet wall and I got on the floor and we played and that's when she kind of smiled. No laughs out of her. She loves to shake her head "no". She did that to everything, LOL.

When we were sitting on the floor playing with the wooden blocks she started scratching her hand. She has awful eczema on it and her thumb is really rough and scabby. I caressed it and did nice to her boo boo and she let me. Then she let me kiss her boo boo better. I got the pink bear and told her that he had a boo boo, too. So she took her little index finger and caressed it like I did to her.

We spent almost two hours with her. When I knew our time was almost up, I brought her to a bench and sat her facing me and we cuddled and she laid her head into my chest and let me stroke her hair. Then DH carried her downstairs and we went back to the room to meet the caseworker. She was thrilled at how good she did with us.

Addy had on an outfit that was at least one size too small. I thought she had on capri pants which I thought was odd since it was snowing out. Then I realized they were just too small. Her hair was kind of matted in places, too. The caseworker was disgusted with the way she came to us. From our meeting, she was going to a hearing with the mother and an appeal board. Frankly, if I was the foster mother in danger of losing my kid, I would make sure she had clothes on that fit and her hair was brushed. Plus, it's like 20 degrees out and she didn't even have a hat.

She was all congested and her nose was running, poor baby. I just wanted to hold her and never let her go....

We got her bundled up and walked the caseworker to the car. After she was strapped into her carseat, DH reached in to kiss her goodbye and he said "bye bye" and waved and she waved back at him! She also gave him the High-5 in the museum.

She is just too precious for words. I love her so much already. She has the softest, most beautiful hair and her eyes are dark and very serious. She looks at everything and takes it all in. She has long lashes and a little cupid mouth and chubby cheeks. Her arms and legs are so fat! She's huge! Heavy and solid, I couldn't believe it when I picked her up. She has to be at least a 3T or 4T and her shoes are a 7W! LOL. She a chunky monkey.

We don't know when our next visit will be. The caseworker is supposed to call me after the hearing or as soon as she find out something. Our next visit will be all day and she'll be able to come to our house. I'm dying for the boys to meet her. It couldn't have been a more perfect first meeting. We can't wait for her to come home. I want to love her and keep her safe and spoil her and cherish her like she deserves.

Tomorrow is the day....

2007-01-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

In less than twelve hours, I'll be meeting my daughter! I've felt literally sick to my stomach all night. I don't know if it's nerves or if I'm coming down with something. A couple of nights ago it hit me like a ton of bricks that I could lose her. She's still "at risk" and the foster mother has her appeal on February 1st. I know however small the chance is that she could win, there's still a chance.

I spoke with Addy's caseworker today and she's going to pick her up at the foster mother's house and talk to her. If she won't waive the 10 day notice, we're set to bring Addy home on February 5th. I wanted her moved before the appeal date. But, at least two weeks from now at the latest and she'll be here.

I spent all day yesterday shopping. I found the perfect dress for her to wear to her baby shower next month. It's pale pink eyelet with a white scalloped crinoline underneath and a pair of white tights. Once I find out her shoe size, I need to find white maryjanes to go with it. Then I got a white cotton crocheted look sweater to go over it. She's going to look so pretty! I also got her a white wooden toddler bed, a soft blanket for it, 10 bibs, headbands, hairbows and crib sheets. We got two carseats and the highchair. I bought her stroller the other night so all the big purchases have been made.

Addy got her first present today! A co-worker got the most darling little flowered cap-sleeved top and pink pants. She bought her 4T and it looks big. I can't wait to peek in her shirt tomorrow to see what size she is and pull off her shoe and see the size so I can go shopping!

How am I going to sleep tonight?

I promise to post lots of pics soon - her room, her gorgeous shower dress and I'll try to get some shots tomorrow that don't show her face. I can't wait to hold her.

New Look and a Big Thanks

2007-01-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

Isn't my new blog beautiful? THANK YOU, Margaret!!! I absolutely love it!

Name Change...Room almost done

2007-01-20T22:39:00.000-05:00

DH and I compromised on her name. I wanted it done so I could get the wooden letters for her bedroom wall. We went back and forth and back and forth. Finally I just said - Addy, Faith, Grace or Hope. You pick it. He wanted Grace for the first name so we decided to change her name to Addy Grace. He doesn't like Faith. I can live with the name change as long as I get to keep Addy. To change it to anything else just wouldn't work because to me her name is Addy. There wasn't any changing it in my mind. She IS Addy.

So her room is almost done! Everything is up except the roman shade and 2 shelves. 'Addy Grace' is written up on her wall so it's a done deal. I'm so relieved!

I got her stroller tonight - a Graco Mosaic that was on clearance at Target for $50. It's black and red. I bought her the cutest baby doll. I also bought her a pink bear to take to take to our meeting Tuesday, 2 cases of diapers, some more socks (since I can't buy clothes yet!), dishes, sippy cups, utensils and a few other things.

I put her picture in a frame and I can't stop looking at her. J is already showing signs of jealousy and acting up. He caught me looking at her picture and told me to stop smiling every time I looked at it. He's alternating between being clingy and acting up. I'm glad he'll be at school on Tuesday when we have her meeting so I can just enjoy her without having to watch myself. When she gets home, I'll have to make sure I give him lots of attention. B was the same age when J was born and I can remember how mean he was to me. It was DH's baby, too, but it was only me he hated for a time. I know it won't last forever.

First Meeting set

2007-01-19T12:18:00.000-05:00

We're meeting her next Tuesday at 9:30! This is moving so fast. They're still checking to see if the 10 day notice to the foster mother applies or if she can be moved sooner. So, I'm going to have her next week or the week after for good.

This is all surreal to me. New Years Day I didn't even know she existed and now I may have her home for good before the month is over. I have her picture on my desk and I get teary-eyed every time I look at her. I can't even imagine seeing her in person next week and just holding her and hugging her. I feel almost too blessed. I'm crying like a baby just typing this.

Now DH doesn't know if he likes Addy. I'm still calling her that but we'll wait and see when we meet her.

I have to tell you the story about her real name. Poor baby. When the mother went to court, the judge asked her what she named the baby. She said she couldn't remember but knew that it began with a "blank" and that she got the name off a cookie box. The judge racked his brain trying to come up with a cookie that started with that certain letter and he picked one but got the name wrong. It's not even the one he was thinking of. Caseworker said absolutely, to change her name. Even the foster mother wasn't calling her that.

Addy

2007-01-18T18:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, she looks just like an Addy! Kara and the other names DH and I had talked about just didn't fit her. I look at her and she is an Addy Faith.

She weighs 36 lbs! She's 19 months, is sweet and lovable, has "eyelashes that are so long and thick, they'll never need mascara". She loves music, musical toys. My mind is going a mile a minute.

I have to tell work I need maternity leave asap. I told them last week they'd have plenty of notice and it would probably be a month or two of transition.

The caseworker is going to call her ped and EI to authorize release of information to me. She's going to start the ball rolling tomorrow.

I wish I could show you what she looks like. I'm dying to see her and hold her....

It's Official - I have a daughter!!!

2007-01-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin....First, we accepted Addy and we should have her home within a week or two! I saw a picture of her and she's beautiful.

Ok, this afternoon around 1:00, my trainer called with info on Hope. The presentation that was supposed to be Monday had to be rescheduled. I don't know what happened (maybe in therapy) but a whole ton of things became apparent and it may be several months before any decision can be made about her. I was so shocked and saddened for her. The timing was unbelievable to find out this information, I felt awful but at least I could now go into accepting Addy with no hesitation or guilt.

So, we had the meeting. The baby is on track, she has EI once a month now and has just about caught up to where she should be. I thought the transition would take months but they want it as quick as possible - one, possibly two visits. Holy shit! I could have her in my home for good by the end of the month.

One day to go

2007-01-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

I swear this has been the slowest two weeks of my life. Finally, I can say the presentation is TOMORROW! DH is getting her furniture out of storage and bringing it home today. It's been a long time coming to see her room finally coming together.

No word yet on Hope. I don't want to be a pain and call my trainer and ask but it's killing me not knowing.

Hope's Presentation

2007-01-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

Today is Hope's presentation with the other lady. I hope it goes well and she decides to adopt her. All weekend long I've been getting the baby's room ready and I kept seeing Hope's face. I have tremendous guilt over this. I could love either Hope or Addy equally but having the chance to raise a daughter from toddlerhood was just too much to pass up. It's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life if she doesn't get chosen today. I'm just so depressed and teary today. I pray to God that Hope finds her forever home today.

I bought Addy's crib mattress yesterday. We still need to find a crib. Her room is coming together nicely. We'll probably get her furniture out of storage tonight and then I can start decorating.

Racism Alive and Well in America

2007-01-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

Forty years after Martin Luther King and racism is still alive and well in America. Very sad. I can see it's not going to be an easy road raising a transracial daughter. I'm so excited to be getting a daughter and the pigment in her skin is of very little concern to me. What I see is a little 18 month old girl who needs a mommy and daddy. Apparantly, others aren't so opened minded.

I called a co-worker that I don't talk to very often but she was excited last summer when I told her we were adopting and I promised to keep her updated. So, I called her and she was thrilled and excited and gushing over and over. Into the conversation, I told her I hadn't even seen the baby yet but I knew she was African-American. Silence. Gushing stopped, not so happy anymore. The tone of the whole conversation seemed to shift. Ok, that kind of pissed me off but I have to learn to accept that people aren't as open as they should be.

Last night, we decided to tell my mother-in-law. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "We got a match!"

MIL: "You did? A little girl?"

Me: "Yes! She's 18 months old."

son: "Her name is Addy and she's black"

(shit hits the fan)

MIL: " WHAT? How can you adopt a black baby? Blacks belong with blacks, whites belong with whites. She'll be embarrassed when she grows up being the only black girl in a family of whites. We're Italian, we can't have a black baby."

son: "Grandma, she's just a baby who needs a home" (I could kiss my wise 14 year old!!! I was very proud of him)

Me: "Well, we're getting her. I hope you can learn to accept her and that you won't be mean to her. She's going to be our daughter."

MIL: "How black? Black, black?"

Me: "We haven't seen a picture of her yet. She's dark skinned, that's all I know. It's just the pigment of her skin, what does it have to do with the fact that she's going to be our daughter?"

MIL: "Well, I'm not watching her"

Me: (thinking I wouldn't subject my precious daughter to your filthy, vile mind anyway) "No, we have daycare lined up for the time I'll be at work and you will never have to babysit if you don't want to. But, I hope when you meet her you'll fall in love with her and learn to accept her."

MIL: "I would never be mean to her but I still think she's belongs with a black family"

So, that went rather well, don't you think? I guess it's her generation. She's in her mid-70s but still, I was surprised at the 30 something co-worker.

My mother was rather cold about it at first until my sister read her the riot act that she would risk losing me and to be supportive. I've had many conversations with my mother over the last few days and it seems not only has she come around but she seems to be getting excited and is even planning to throw me a baby shower at her home. I just don't get it - a baby is a baby, she's needs a home. No one would even question me taking her if she was white. What difference does it make? Believe me, I know I will have issues to face in the future. I hope Addy loves us and doesn't resent that we adopted her instead of her going to a black family. I won't know. It's a leap of faith that we just have to take, I guess.

Seven Months!

2007-01-12T10:06:00.000-05:00

I just noticed our adoption journey ticker - we officially began seven months ago and I already have been blessed with a match. I'm so grateful and blessed but what a rollercoaster of emotions these months have been. It will be all worth it when I see Addy's face for the first time.

Addy's Presentation Appointment Set!

2007-01-12T09:47:00.000-05:00

I called Addy's caseworker this morning and told her that I want to move forward with Addy. She asked if I was really sure and I said yes, I've thought about it all week and I am 100% certain. I would rather not wait for Monday for Hope's presentation and I don't even want to know the outcome, it would hurt too much if she doesn't get chosen by the other lady.

So, the presentation is set for next Thursday, January 18th, a few days before my birthday. I can't believe I'm getting a baby girl for my birthday!!!