Here's a couple of jokes...hopefully you'll get a laugh out of them like I did!
Two Old Guys:
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN.... SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department ...
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least.
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
We went back on Monday to look at the house. I'm even more in love with it now that I had a chance to just really check it out and inspect it. My mother-in-law likes it, B doesn't. He was pouting that he hates the house, the floors are crooked, the doors are ugly, it stinks, etc.
We're meeting the realtor tonight to put in an offer - based on an inspection and that we sell our house. I already started to declutter and a POD is coming next Tuesday. I'd like to get our house listed within 2 weeks. Oh the thought of all that needs to be done is frightening but I'm excited.
I spoke with Addy's social worker this morning. She said Addy's brother is adorable and she will try and get pictures of him and Addy's birthmom for her scrapbook. What blew me away was we had a name picked out for him if he was placed with us and it's the SAME name as his mother gave him! That just blew me away.
We're going to take a second look at the house tonight and hopefully put in an offer. With the five bedrooms and two that could be converted to bedrooms if necessary, if baby brother came to live with us we'd have plenty of room. I'm scared. We've been in our house for 10 years so that means 10 years of clutter. It's a huge decision and I'm so scared.
We're at an impass on the house. The realtor came yesterday and appraised our house and I called and we got pre-approved for the mortgage. All that's left is to make an offer and put our house up.
BUT, B is literally taking temper tantrums over the move. I can't even stand to live with him anymore. He's making the whole house miserable. My heart breaks for him and yet he's royally pissing me off at the same time. Parenthood is so hard. Our town doesn't allow you to pay to go to the school unless you're a senior. We could try and get a P.O. Box for our mail (report cards) but it would only be a matter of time before we got caught and he'd have to go to the new school. The new town's schools are so much better than his current school.
I don't know what we're going to do but we need to make a decision tonight. My house needs a ton done if we're going to get it on the market in a week.
My friend A, who I met at adoption classes last summer, just got her baby yesterday. They have two boys and were just placed with a 7 month old little girl. I can't wait to see her. She's got dark blonde hair and blue eyes and she said the boys and DH are already in love with her. She'd been living in a shelter because she was removed from her foster home due to some issues. The baby warmed right up to them and A said she's such a good baby. I'm so happy for them.
The other night when we went out to dinner, we ran into another couple from class. They had their 14 month old little boy with him. He was absolutely gorgeous - brown hair, round chubby face and the biggest aqua blue eyes I have ever seen. He is their first child and the three of them just made the most beautiful, happy family. Their adoption will be final tomorrow!
I want to have a barbeque for the families to meet up and see our kids (minus the pedofile - he will definitely NOT be invited). We all started class exactly one year ago and just about all of us have our kids. One couple is still waiting but they were the pickiest as far as what type of child they would take, etc. I knew they would probably be waiting for a long time and justly so. Adoption shouldn't be about baby shopping for the perfect child, it should be about which child needs you at the moment that you are searching for him/her. I shudder to think that one box left unchecked could have kept us from being Addy's parents. What is we had stuck with the original plan of age 6 and over? Had DH not erased it and changed it to 0-9 in hopes of getting a toddler, we wouldn't have her. What if we had only checked off our own race and not checked off every one of them, we wouldn't have her now. At risk - we were willing to accept that even though we hesitated. I'm so glad we opened ourselves up.
I found my dream house. I love primitives, antiques, old houses. We've always been looking for an historical house but they usually need a ton of work, have no closets, too far out in the country, too expensive. It's always something. Last night we went to looks at a colonial built in the 1760s. It's 3,300 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7 working fireplaces, 3 livingroom spaces, tons of closets, 2-1/2 baths, a nice yard. Definitely the house we would stay in the rest of our lives. It's our dream house. It's in great shape for it's age. I'd only need to replace the kitchen floor and countertops and paint the cabinets. Down the road, redo the bathrooms, replace the furnace, convert the attic into usable space.
The realtor is coming over tomorrow to appraise our house and work out the numbers to see if we can afford it. Besides the money, the other problem would be B. He's going into his sophomore year and being 15, it's all about his friends and his social life. Even though we'd only be moving 15 minutes away, it would mean a new high school. I don't know what to do. My thought is it's not like we're moving across the country and he could still see his friends alot. Plus, he'd probably do better academically in the new school. DH is leaning with B that this is one of the most important times of his life and we shouldn't put ourselves before him right now. While I do understand where B is coming from and I totally sympathize with him, I just don't think it justifies us not moving. The school system in the new town is excellent - one of the best in the state. Fifteen minutes is nothing to meet back in the old neighborhood. He could have friends sleep over our house and vice versa.
The other night I was in the Gap with Addy while the boys went to another store. I was pushing Ad in her stroller through the store and this guy was walking by. He was built just like DH, same height, same type of shorts/shirt, just his hair was gray and DH's is brown. Addy starts yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Hi, Daddy!!!!". As we came up to him, I said "You really do look like him". The guy gave me a look like I was nuts and kept walking.
It wasn't until we had met up with the boys and were walking toward our truck that I realized it and burst out laughing. I'm white, the man was white....and Addy's black, LOL. He must have thought I was off my rocker. Who's ya Daddy?