Addy's caseworker mails me pics of Addy's family whenever she can. I'm piecing her history and family together so that Addy will have it when she gets older.
On Friday, I got a packet of pictures of Addy's aunt with a note from Addy's sw that she's going to be the child of the week on TV for the adoption segment. She's only six years old and in kindergarten. She's in a wheelchair and has many medical conditions and developmental issues (I suspect she has FAS but I could be wrong). My heart broke. What are the chances that she's going to get adopted? I knew exactly who she was from reading Addy's file. Every time Child Protective Services was called for Addy's mother or siblings, it was documented. This poor girl suffered such severe neglect and the neighbors and school would always call about her. I'm glad to see that she was removed.
I'm so pissed at Addy's grandmother. She couldn't take care of all the kids that she had yet she just had another baby recently. That makes me sick. She's only in her 30's so she can keep producing for another decade potentially. Plus, now her children are having children and they're in foster care along with their mothers. I just want to go to her house and smack some sense into her and tell her to get her tubes tied.
I have to admit my whole life has been completely turned upside down with the arrival of Miss Addy. My boys are older and more independent so I had tons of down time for myself. Gone are the long hours I spent at the computer scouring photolistings and adoption boards, blogs and websites. The hours at night to sew or read - I miss that. It's been years since I've had a 1 year old and I forgot how much time and work they are and frankly, I'm not as young as I was back then either!
My poor blog has become as neglected as my housework, laundry, side job antique/craft business, marriage. Addy wakes up with my every morning at 6:15 like clockwork and then it's rush, rush, rush to get everyone dressed and out the door for 7:30. Then I rush to daycare, rush to work. I get in early and work straight through with no breaks or lunches so I can have every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon off. But the downside is that by the time the supper dishes are done, baths given, homework done and I fall into bed at night on those long days, I'm exhausted and spent.
Honestly, lately when I'm running around like a nut in the morning and Addy won't let me do her hair or the dog just threw up on the carpet or B missed the bus and needs a ride to school, I think of that baby that's coming and I don't know how I could do it without having a nervous breakdown. I find myself getting depressed and overwhelmed because I feel stretched and pulled in a million directions at the same time. Kids fighting and crying, bills that need to get paid, housework that needs to get done, laundry that piles up, etc.
How do those Supermoms do it? I'm probably a SoSoMom at best. My kids are loved, secure, happy, healthy and clean so I know I'm a success as far as they're concerned but all the other aspects of my life feel like a never ending house of cards that's ready to topple with each added weight.
Don't think that I'm ungrateful or that I regret adopting because that couldn't be more wrong. After suffering through years of secondary infertility and then going through the adoption process, I really, really wanted and fought to make my family. I actually started crying driving to work today because I still am so overwhelmed that I got so lucky to be chosen for Addy. I am so blessed and proud to be her mommy. I love her more than words could ever describe and I still feel like I have to pinch myself that this beautiful little soul is all mine. It's just that I'm tired and worn right now.
When the social worker came out to visit Addy yesterday, we discussed Addy's new baby brother or sister that's due in June. DH and I still haven't come to a decision. It's so hard to make.
- house is too small - money is too tight - we're already stretched to the limit with 3 kids and 3 dogs
- are you kidding? Do you know what a blessing this is? Most people in the adoption process would kill to have this dilemma - there is no greater thing we can do for Addy than for her to grow up with her biological sibling - yes it will be hard for the first few years, but after that it will be so great that they're only 2 years apart. They can basically grow up together - money, time and space is always going to too tight...what's one more? There will never be enough time or money but there will always be "just enough" no matter what - if we say no, I will always have the question in my head did we do the right thing?
and then....the cons:
- baby will be placed with us as a foster child so there is always the chance we might lose the baby to the mother or another family member, no matter how small it's still there - getting another 6 weeks off from work. I'm afraid to even ask! Two maternity leaves in 4 months??!!! - will I have enough time to do everything? There are only 24 hours in a day and will DH and I end up burned out and the kids end up neglected in the process?
We have roughly 2 months to pray, argue, think and come to an answer. Any thoughts or opinions?
Addy's social worker (aka guardian angel) came to see her. Addy and Katy, the dog, were looking out the front window as usual and she was yelling "Hi!" and jumping up and down on the couch when she saw her. The sw was again amazed that this is the same kid. She can't believe how much she's talking and how outgoing she's become in the two months since we've had her. Addy was "singing" Itsy Bitsy Spider for her and doing Pat-a-Cake. She said she looks like a different kid.
Early Intervention came to evaluate her and she no longer needs services! Woohoo!!! They said she's right on target now with where she should be. Yay!