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Friday, December 29, 2006
Week is over!
Yay! TGIF! Woohoo. I think there is grand total of 3 people left in my office. Now if I was the boss, I would let everybody go and enjoy the weekend. But, I'm here I sit wasting time of my blog. Shhh.

This has been one long week and I'm glad it's over. Maybe next week I'll hear something? I'm trying to be patient but I'm missing that gene apparently. I hate waiting, I hate secrets, I hate not knowing, I can't have a present and not open it right away. Unfortunately, with adoption you need an abundance of patience and then some more.

Ha, when I started this adoption journey more than 6 months ago, I thought for sure I would get a child as soon as my homestudy was complete. Now I know better!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Nothing today...
Nothing new today. Most of the workers are probably taking it easy this week if they're even in the office. My office is usually quiet this time of year, too. Still, I was hoping for "the call" anyway.

Hope is on school vacation this week...I wonder how she's spending it? I watch Jack playing with all the toys he got for Christmas and I can picture her down on the floor playing right along with him. Today we went to the mall and I was thinking what it would be like if she had been there with us at Build-a-Bear. What would she have picked out? These are the things I think about duriing the day, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Seeing her video and her voice and her face made her sooo real to me, more so than any of the other girls that I've just gotten descriptions of or just a photo.

I wish I could post her picture and video here so you could see why I'm like this. I honestly could watch the video over and over and it would still bring a smile to my face every time. She's so funny and adorable and sweet and innocent.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas
I've thought of you all day and I don't know where you are or what you're doing. I hope you got lots of presents from your foster mom and from Santa. Here's a song for you. We'll listen to it together when you're with us next Christmas....

Merry Christmas
By Brad Avery of Third Day

There's a little girl trembling on a cold December morn
Crying for momma's arms
At an orphanage just outside a little China town
There the forgotten are
But half a world away I hang the stockings by the fire
And dream about the day when I can finally call you mine

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

As I hang the tinsel on the tree and watch the twinkling lights
I'm warmed by the fire's glow
Outside the children tumble in a wonderland of white,
Make angels in the snow

But half a world away you try your best to fight the tears
And hope that heaven's angels come to carry you here

It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas

Christmas is a time to celebrate the holy child
and we celebrate his perfect gift of love
He came to earth to give his life
and prepare a place for us
so we could have a home with him above

It's Christmas time again and now you're home
Your family is here so you will never be alone
So tonight before you go to sleep, I'll hold you in my arms
And I'll tell you from my heart, and I'll tell you from my heart
I wish you Merry Christmas
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Hope's video
My mom came over yesterday to help with the Christmas cooking and I showed her Hope's video. It was the first time I could bring myself to watch it again since we weren't chosen. I watched with a mixture of happiness because she's so flipping cute and sadness because I just wanted to cry.

She says in the video of what she wants "a mom and a dad, a kitten, an older brother and a younger sister". So why did they pick the single woman? I got looked over for "Kallie" because she only wanted a mother. So then, why don't they take Hope's wishes into consideration? I don't get it.

So, today is Christmas Eve. I'll spend it with the knowledge that one of our family is missing. I hope so badly that she's able to come home soon. How will I ever move beyond her if we're not chosen? I guess I'll have to deal with that when the time comes.

Jack blew me away the other night. Billy was sleeping over a friend's house and he grabbed a pillow and pink blanket that I bought for the girl's room. Jack yelled at him that he couln't take "Hope's blanket and pillow". Yikes.

Ok, I'm snapping out of this meloncholy mood and I resolve to be happy today and enjoy the holiday. Merry Christmas to all of you.
Friday, December 22, 2006
When I got home from work today, I had a message on my machine telling me that our homestudy was being submitted for 7 year old AA girl. I saw her at the adoption Christmas party, she had a little Christmas sweater on with a skirt and tights and her hair was up in two pom poms on her head. She looked so cute. I wish I had been able to talk with her a bit.

I have mixed feelings...she's a good age and may potentially be a good match but I cannot and will not accept any other child until Hope is irrevocably out of my reach. Things with "Olivia" may not happen soon anyway so I'm not even going to worry about it.

Another day down...another day closer to resolution with Hope. I wonder what she's doing now?
Spoke with my trainer
I just spoke with my trainer. She still hasn't heard back from the caseworker making the decision regarding Hope. I'll take what I can news is good news. She also said not to expect anything to happen this week or next with people being on vacation for the holidays. That's fine. As long as she's isn't accepted, I still have a shot to be her Mommy. Oh God, I want to be so bad.

She said that the lady put the brakes on adopting now because she wasn't told that "Hope" needed help in school before the presentation. So what? I have 15 years of parenting experience and I know how to do that. Ugh. Why????? Why?????

The trainer also said that it was originally thought that she would do best in a home with no other children so she could get the extra attention she may need but maybe the worker would rethink it.

Who knows what's going to happen? All I know is that I'm at the mercy of someone that I've never spoken to and I'm not allowed to speak to. I'm trying so hard to be patient. It's hard, damnit. I don't want her in foster care for Christmas. I want so much for her to be home and safe and to just be able to be a carefree child waking up on Christmas morning surrounded by her Mommy and Daddy and brothers and seeing her wide-eyed wonder at all the presents Santa left for her. That's what it should be. Maybe next year? Oh, I hope so.

Off to cry some more...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
No word yet
Nothing yet. I'm literally going nuts not knowing what's going on. On the other hand, as long as I don't hear anything, I still have a shred of hope. This is so unfair.

We want her!!! This woman is unsure. C'mon. This royally sucks. Hope sits in her foster home over Christmas while this lady takes her time to decide. Bullshit.

I'm sick and tired of this process and I want it to end. It would be so easy to just get Hope and bring her home and be done with it. Why does it always have to be difficult? As if years of infertility weren't enough, let's just add adoption on top of it for a little added bonus.

I want her...the other lady doesn't. Yup, that's fair. Let's just give her another 2 weeks, another month. I have all the time in the world to sit and wait.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
My dear "Hope",

If we are given the chance to adopt you, I want you to know how very, very much you're loved.

The boys are playing video games and our bellies are full up from the pizza that was just delivered because it's too cold out to go pick it up. I'm sitting in my nice cozy robe next to the Christmas tree that's all lit up and the dogs are asleep at my feet. The scene sounds perfect, doesn't it? It's not...because you're not here with us. There is a void in our home that will never be filled until you are here to stay - safe and sound and forever with us. There are stacks of presents and the stockings are hung up but none have your name on them. We can't wrap them and hang your stocking unless and until we are chosen to be your family. I'm sad, because you're not here.

I love you, wherever you are tonight. I'm thinking of you and trying to be patient. I want to read this post with you one year from now and remember where we were at our last Christmas without each other. I promise you that this is the last birthday and Christmas you will ever have to spend without your forever family. But tonight, I'll blow you kisses in the wind.


We're Not Out Of the Running Yet!!!
Oh my gosh, I'm freaking out. My original trainer called, she got my message from a couple of weeks ago when we were in the matching stage with "Hope". She was out on military leave for 2 weeks.

The other family that the caseworker chose over us was a single woman. She had her presentation yesterday and did not accept Hope right away. She has major concerns that Hope has the older brother in his 20s. They are going to have another presentation with her in January.

I was disgusted. I told my trainer that I had told the coordinator that sent our homestudy that we would welcome the brother and that we saw it as a positive not a negative. She is going to call the caseworker to see what she can do and at the very least, if the woman decides not to accept, to have us be given first choice.

See, the psychic said she saw us not being the first choice but the other family backing out at the last minute! I can't believe it might actually be happening. It's too good to be true. I have looked at so many other kids and no one compares to my Hope. She looks like my daughter, she's everything I could hope for and more.

Pray for us, please!! I'm off to light a candle at for us. I'll keep it lit until I hear otherwise.

It's too much to hope for. I just want to bust out crying again.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Four year old girl
I just talked to a social worker a little while ago. She called me on two AA sisters but both have been sexually abused and one acts out on it so it wasn't a match for us with a 6 y.o. in the house. I thanked her and told her to keep us in mind if anything else came up, that we were looking for 9 or under, open to race and all but the sex abuse acting out.

She said her co-worker is recruiting for a little 4 y.o. who has a TPR coming in January. She is the 7th child and all other 6 have been taken and adopted. She doesn't see any reason for TPR not to happen. She sounds reasonable with her issues and nothing too severe. She was failure to thrive and has an IEP for delays and has a minor issue that will require surgery. I think we can handle it all.

The social worker didn't know how many other families would be recruited for her but she said that once she has my homestudy she'll keep us in mind since we are open to race because there are a ton of young kids that come in all the time.

Yay! Both girls I've heard about today sound great. I'm optimistic that one of these times it will work out for us and we'll be chosen. I'm looking forward to 2007 and all the possibilites that are in store for us.
Two more girls - one sounds great!!!
I spoke with a social this morning on two 9 year old girls. We talked at length about one of them and she sounds great. She has been in a couple of placements. The first placement didn't work out because of the foster family. They are being investigated. It has nothing to do with her, they're just a bad family. The second placement was a single mother who already had a daughter. Because they had such a close bond and the child was "the perfect child", the mother was not able to handle the child. There was also sibling rivalry. Again, nothing she did.

She does well in school, likes to please people, loves animals. She does self-inflicting injuries, minor like biting nails down to nothing. No meds, no IEP. She would need to maintain monthly visits with bio family.

Overall, she sounds great and nothing we can't handle. Mostly, it sounds like she needs the love and stability of a family where she can feel safe and secure. It doesn't sound like she's ever had that chance to be a carefree child and have adults take care of her.

The second girl we really didn't get too much into. She said she's a real smart mouth and not an easy child. Since she has the caseload for both girls, she can consider us but we both agreed that the first girl was a much better fit for our family.

I went to look up the meaning of her name and the meaning is so profound in the context of our situation. I'm feeling really good about her but I will be guarded and just let it go. If it goes any further, great.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Lots of potential matches
I called on about a dozen potential matches. I left voice mails for almost all and heard back from just one. I talked with one social worker and the child was matched, another they're giving the mother 3 more months. You never know which one might be the one!

I signed up for Adoption America, too. Maybe I'll have some luck there. It can't hurt.

When I put up our stockings, I put up our old ones. I just can't put out the handmade stockings until she's home with us and hers can go up with ours. I'll keep them until next year.

I'm still hoping that the other family decides not to take "Hope". My gut and my heart is screaming that she is ours and there's nothing we can do, just wait and see. I'm waiting for a miracle to happen with her, that's why I gave her the blog name Hope. I still have a teeny bit left. I know it's stupid but I can't help it. Life sucks.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Sibling group
We're in the early stages for a sibling group of sisters. I've spoken to the caseworker and she is very interested in us above all the others that she's spoken to so far. I had my agency fax the homestudy to their office and hopefully she'll be in touch soon. They are 18 months and 3 years old. They have an older brother who is not being placed with them but they want to maintain visits and contacts. Definitely younger than I originally wanted but I'm sticking to my new motto that if it's meant to be it will happen. I hope I get to see a picture of them this week. I'm staying as detached as possible about the whole situation even though it's going to be rough. It would be so exciting to have babies in the house again. See, there I go! LOL.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Adoption Party
Last night we had the Adoption Christmas party put on by the state adoption agency. Billy decided not to come. They had tables set up for the kids to make ornaments and scarves and decorate cookies. Santa was there, there was a magic show and an animal balloon maker. Each kid who went got a gift donated by Hasbro. Jack got a Batman disc shooter thingy. He had such a great time.

We looked through the photolisting books but all the kids in our state book were older teens. The neighboring states book had a few sibling groups we were really interested in. When I got home, I looked up their ID numbers and they were already off the site and placed.

We had a really fun time and are looking forward to going again next year, hopefully with our adopted daughter.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The Day After and a New Plan
I'm all cried out. I feel better today.

I've decided to take a break from adoption searching. I'm not going to look at any more photolisting websites. I don't want to know who my homestudy is sent out on. I don't even want to know it was sent out. I'm just going to concentrate on getting my home ready for her and to have a nice Christmas with my family. I've chosen to cherish my life and family as it is right at this moment and not how it could be with the addition of her.

If it happens this year, great. If it happens next year, great. I'm not going to let it consume me. I'm delegating it to a small space in my life for now.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
We didn't get chosen
I couldn't take it anymore. I called the adoption coordinator to see if I could call the caseworker. She said she got an email from the caseworker that they chose the other family for the presentation. I asked if I could call and talk to her and she said no, that's not the way it works. It must have just been something in their homestudy that stood out. I said that the homestudy doesn't capture who we are and that we're getting her room ready and my son was all excited after he saw her video that he was making plans for them to go to Build-a-Bear. She said she's sorry but that's it. They should have their presentation in a couple of weeks. Great, now she thinks I'm psycho. She told me to call my trainer for suggestions on how to keep busy while I wait. She's going to be there tomorrow night at the adoption party so I can meet her in person and try to convince her that I'm not a nut.

I'm sick, literally. I don't know if I can honestly keep going through this month after month for an indefinite amout of time. I don't want to know next time when we are close to a match. Tell me once we are the chosen family. I can't do this. I'm at work so I can't scream and cry like I want to. Life is so unfair. You can't wish anyting hard enough or pray long enough to make it happen.

We'll still work toward getting our girl's room ready. My husband is out buying the closet door for our son's new room. We got the floor down last night so tonight we'll work on the baseboards and the closet.
Psychic sees her going with another family at first but gets the feeling that they back out at the last minute. She said she couldn’t get a good read. Not what I wanted to hear :(

I have her picture on my desk and I've been looking at her all day. What a little sweetie she is. How will we go forward if we're not picked? I don't think I my nerves could take much more of this and no matter how hard we look, we'll never find another girl as special as this one.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
A Dark haired girl, December and the number 5
Today I got to see the video of the girl we are in consideration for. Ever since Friday when I found out about her I've been on pins and needles and anxious. Today I got to see her video and to see her face in person for the first time. All morning long, I've been almost sick to my stomach waiting. Then I saw her. I can't even tell you in words how I felt as soon as I saw her face. It was like, "Yes, of course. That's my daughter." I'm crying right now typing, I've been emotional all day.

All my life, I've always wanted a daughter. I've dreamed about her, wondered what she would look like. I never in my wildest imagination could have dreamed a more perfect daughter for myself. She has long dark curly hair down to her waist, dark eyes, big dimples in her cheeks and a mouthful of baby/adult/missing teeth. She had a purple turtleneck sweater on with sparkly jeans and gold hoop earrings. She's gorgeous and perfect and I know without question that she is my daughter. Even though I didn't give birth to her, she is just as much mine as my sons are. It's eery but she looks just like us, same features and coloring. No one would ever question that she wasn't borne of us.

I called the social worker who sent my homestudy out for her and she laughed as soon as she answered the phone. There are one or two other homestudies out on her and the decision should be made this week or next. I also called my trainer and left a message for her.

My husband and I called that psychic to see if she could get a read. She'll let us know. I called my sister after and we were talking and then she blew my mind. She said remember the pyschic told you a few months ago about a dark haired girl and December and the number 5? Yes, she has dark hair and it's December but what does the number 5 mean? She's 8. She told me today was December 5th. That was just confirmation for what I already knew. She is our daughter. It seems like fate is taking us along this path to each other. Had we taken the classes over the winter we might have already been matched. She has been working toward her goal for a family. The timing is perfect.

Why am I crying? I don't know if it's happiness, joy, terror and utter complete fear that we found her and now we could lose her. I want her home for Christmas or to at least meet us and know about us by then. She might want to spend Christmas with her foster family. I don't know. I didn't cry this much on the birth of our boys.

All I know is that my life changed today. December 5th will always be one of those life changing, significant dates for me now.

She wants a kitten and an older brother and younger sister. We have the older brother, we can get the kitten and work on the younger sister.

I just primed Billy's room, the floor should go down tonight, tomorrow we'll put up the baseboards and Thursday we should be able to move his stuff in. I need to get her room done asap. I want everything to be perfect for her when she comes home. We are going to give her the best life we can possibly give her. She'll be so loved and cherished. My husband and the boys think she is so cute. I'm crying again. I can't help it. How is it possible to love someone so much that you've never met?
Monday, December 04, 2006
The old Carly Simon song keeps ringing in my head. I'm dying over here. I put in a call to my adoption trainer to see what she could find out about the situation and the girl. I hope to hear from her soon...


We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet and I don't know nature's ways
So I'll try and see into your eyes right now
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Wishing time away
I wish I could speed up time. I get to see a video of the girl we're being considered for in a couple of days. I can't wait to see what she looks like and how she sounds. I need to think up a name to call her on the blog but I can't think of anything until I see her.

Her birthday was yesterday. I thought about her all day. Eight years old! I wonder if she had a good birthday? Did she wish for a family when she blew out her candles or is she happy to stay with her foster family?

It's hard not to get your hopes up but we're so close. I hope she's at the adoption party on Thursday. I would love to meet her in person even if we couldn't say anything to her yet about us being considered as her family.

Do you think I can call to ask how many other families are being considered for her? Maybe I'll call my trainer tomorrow to see what she can find out.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Update on Kara
I've been bummed the last couple of days because Kara's father had his parental rights terminated and custody granted to the foster mother. I called the social worker and she basically told us to forget it, it's done and that's it. He thought he was going to court to take custody and instead was blinded by this. He and his mother are just in shock. They can't afford to get a lawyer to fight it. He did file an appeal before he left court. I've been on the phone trying to help him. I called Legal Aid, CA Bar Association, a few other places to try and get him some help. Now, we have to close the door on this and it's his fight to fight.

The system failed him and Kara and his state appointed attorney did absolutely nothing for him. I hope it works out for everybody but I'm not hopeful. Since the TPR has already happened, I don't think we have a shot in hell of getting custody of the baby from the foster mother even though the dad is adament that he does not want her raised by them but by us.

I just have to keep faith that things will go as they are supposed to. Two days after I find out we lost Kara, I got this phone call about the other girl. I can't wait to jump off this roller coaster.
We Might Have A Daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Excuse me if I start to ramble or get longwinded but I am very hyper right now and my hands can't type as fast as my mind is going.

This afternoon my adoption agency called to tell me we're being considered for a 7 year old Cape Verde/Caucasian little girl and a decision should be made within 2 weeks whether we're chosen or not. Her birthday is tomorrow, she'll be 8. So that makes her 14 mos older than my son. Perfect.

She is living with a wonderful foster mother who has prepared her from day one for the transition to her adoptive family. She has the girl call her Nana. She said she has come along leaps and bounds with the foster mother. Her main problem is that she used to cry because she didn't want to do her homework to the point where she would fall asleep from exhaustion. The foster mother worked with her on that and that is resolved. I told the sw that Jack and I sit together every night while he does his homework so he can ask questions or we can study/review words, etc so it would work out just fine on that end.

She has no behavior problems or history of sexual abuse. She does well in school and has lots of friends. She gets along well with her foster siblings. She has one bio brother in his 20s who just got out of the militaty with an honorable discharge due to a knee injury. We're willng to "unofficially" adopt him I told the social worker. I'm assuming the parents are not in the picture since she mentioned she has gotten help for "abandonment issues".

She's not on the photolisting site yet but I'll be able to see what she looks like next week. I'm in love with her already. I can't wait to lay my eyes on her. I can't wait to see her in person and hug her. I'm so excited for her if she's chosen for our family. I already have so many Christmas presents waiting for her. Now if/when I get word, I can go shopping for clothes and other things for her.

What a Christmas this will be! Pray for her and for us that we are brought together.