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Saturday, September 30, 2006
Dream
I had a nice dream last night. We met the birth father and got along great with him. He didn't like the baby's name so he was calling her Elizabeth. I asked him if we could name her KaraGrace Elizabeth but he didn't like it. We were trying to decide between Hope, Grace or Kami but still hadn't settled on anything.

He showed me pictures of her and she had dark hair and looked Mexican or Guatemalan. I know the real baby has blonde hair and blue eyes like the father but in the dream they were both dark. He gave me a pair of tiny shoes of hers and a beautiful white embroidered gown to put on her.

The foster parents were there, all my co-workers for some reason, my sister and BIL, DH and the kids. We were heading into court to get the judgement when Jack woke me up to ask if I could take him to the zoo today. I really would've liked to see how it ended and if I ever got to see her in person and hold her.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
not much of an update
Still no word on a date for the rescheduled court hearing.

I did learn that the foster mother wants to adopt her. That's understandable since she's had her since birth. The birth dad is absolutely set against it. I hope he has a say in it. If we can't adopt through foster care, I hope the judge will grant the dad custody and we can do a private adoption. I really need to know what's going on so I know whether to spend money on a private adoption lawyer. Sigh.

Just trying to sit tight and bide my time until I hear something. My adoption journey is just over 3½ months so far. Not too long in the scheme of things but 24 hour days go by awfully slow when you're counting the seconds.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Found out her name
I found out her name. I hate it! Would I be horrible to change it? What if she resents us for changing it? I don't think I could live with the name though. I know I couldn't! I associate it with a stripper's name, isn't that horrible? I want a soft, feminine sounding name.

KaraGrace
Kara Grace
Kara-Grace

Hope Caroline

Grace Makenna

She has blonde hair and blue eyes. Of the three names, Hope is the blonde association for me. I guess I would have to see her in person to know her name. Of course, I would ask her dad if it was ok. He didn't choose her birth name either so I hope he gives us his blessing.

I know nothing is certain that we would even be able to adopt her but all I can do is dream. Last night, I went out with friends and we went shopping. I checked out all the little baby girl stuff, little shoes and boots and outfits. I found this exersaucer thingy - it's like a Jolly Jumper but it's free standing instead of hanging the baby from the door jam. It's the coolest thing! My friend has an 11 month old so she was scooping up outfits and shoes and I wanted to, too! The little thermal union suits in girl prints were so adorable!

We all bought some more scrapbooking stuff and we're getting together next week to start. She got all the makings for a girl's scrapbook. I got everything I need for Jack's book. He was a little jealous when I had to make the presentation book so I promised to make him one, too. It's going to be fun! I got everything from baby boy to school, bath, camouflage, family, etc. I can't wait to get started on it.

Sigh, I wish I had something to report....I wonder when the court date will be rescheduled?
Monday, September 25, 2006
This psychic is good!
Yesterday at the gym, the psychic told DH that she sees a delay. We didn't know what that meant. She also told him our older son would have trouble in school this year. Well, this morning I get 2 back to back calls.

First, my sister called that the court hearing got postponed because the court appointed attorney couldn't make it. Well, that explains the "delay" that she was talking about. I'm sad, upset, frustrated. I can't even imagine what this poor father is feeling - he's been waiting months for this day. They should have released her without a court hearing as soon as it was determined that he was the father. I have no idea how long it will take now to get another court date. In the meantime, this little baby sits in a foster home as the days tick by.

Right after we hung up, my son's Spanish teacher called to say he's having trouble in her class. Wow, knock me over with a feather. That is beyond freaky now! I want to actually meet this woman and sit with her to see what she has to say.

So, back to waiting.....and praying.
Father's court date today
Today is the court date for the birth father. I'm trying not to think about it but it's hard. I have no idea what the outcome will be, I can't even begin to guess what the judge and the father will decide. I feel like it's a chance in a million but my sister thinks the odds are much better than that. It's hard to get a vibe for someone I've never met or talked to. But, even if he decides not to parent, there's still the judge that we have to worry about. Best case senario is for her to be released into the father's custody and then do a private adoption. I've been praying like crazy, crossing fingers, making wishes, everything I can think of.

The idea of possibly getting a baby so young has become more exciting and appealing each day that goes by. I let myself dream a little yesterday. I looked at Babies R Us website to get ideas of what's out there for babies now. I found the most adorable pink stroller and a toile boppie. I checked out the websites for baby wraps and slings. I have an old Over the Shoulder Baby Holder that I loved. I don't know if I threw it away or not. I found another one that I liked better anyway. I would have to start from scratch with everything - crib, highchair, carseat, swing, etc. It's so exciting!

I checked out all the cloth diaper websites to see what's new. I would have no idea what size to get with a 6 month old. It would be so fun to get cute girly prints this time. That was my favorite part of baby stuff when my son was little. There was nothing better than to do a load of diapers and have them come out so soft and fluffy. If you've never cloth diapered, you're missing out. It's not what you would think of when we were kids, a square nappy with pins. These look like regular diapers, you just wash them. The best part is my younger son never once got a rash and there was never a need for Desatin and my older one constantly had diaper rash and yeast infections and we used disposables for him. Naturalbabies.com has a good selection of diapers and baby slings to look at.

If this doesn't work out today, at least I got to dream a little about having a baby again. :) If you're reading this, say a quick prayer for us.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Out of state opportunity?!!?
This situation just came up a few hours ago and I need advice desperately. My head is spinning.

My brother-in-law has an employee who has a 6 mo. old daughter in foster care. The girlfriend didn't tell him she was pregnant and placed her at birth. She's been with the same foster mother since then. He found out about her when she was 3 mos. old.

He just got the DNA confirmation back and has confirmed he is the father. He's going to court on Monday. He wants her but he's working all day and going to school at night. He's been in trouble with the law in the past. He knows it wouldn't be fair for her for his mother to have her because she's retirement age and he's never home between work and school. So, he's open to the possibility of us adopting her.

How do we go about doing this? Can we do it? Now that he has determined paternity, can the court still deny him custody because he has a past? Can he say that he wants us to adopt her and will we have preference over the foster mother? I have a homestudy through my state but we are on opposite sides of the country. Would he have to get custody then do a private adoption with us? See, I have a million questions, LOL.

I am willing to fly out to be with him on Monday if he chooses. I don't want to scare him away either. He knows it's the right thing but of course, he wants to keep her for himself. I'm willing to have an open adoption with pictures, visits, etc.

I can't believe this. It's too good to be true and I don't want to get my hopes up just yet. It only came up a few hours ago. I guess I'll know more Monday when he goes back to court. Any advice or experience you can give me in the mean time will be very much appreciated though!
Adoption party
I just knew somehow after getting that phone call yesterday that last night would be fruitless and it was. But that was fine because I didn't have any expectations going in to it so I wasn't disappointed at all. We just went and had a great time.

It was at a pumpkin farm. DH, B & J and I went. The waiting kids had a name tag with a blue border and adopted kids or kids of waiting families had just a white name tag. I was at a table looking at a photolisting book and ran into a couple that I went through training class with. I asked her if she found any kids here that she liked. She said yes, she found a boy and he was so polite and she was talking to him and he was nice and she really liked him. She said he had dark hair and a white shirt on. Then she said "Oh, there he is, walking with his arms folded". I looked and LOL, it was my older son! We had such a laugh over that. Of all the kids, she picks mine!

We went on a hayride, through a corn maze, J did the scavenger hunt and painted the pumpkin that he picked. Both boys climbed the rock wall, B got to the top and rang the bell but J barely got off the ground before he panicked. Then we went out for pizza after we left. It was a great time for the waiting kids to have fun and meet up with their friends.

I should've explained things a little better to J. He went to school and told everyone including the teacher that he was going to "pick out and adopt his sister tonight". I don't think he got the concept of what it was we were going to. I think he thought we would go and pick her out and bring her home and that would be it.
Psychic update
Ok, so the social calls me back. First thing she said was she pulled her file and "she's 5 years, 5 months old". Odd to word it that way, instead of "almost 5½" or "was born April 2001". Creepy, huh? She's caucasian with dark hair and green eyes. They haven't had the TPR hearing, it's scheduled for November so the timeline of December would make sense! We're waiting on the foster mother to decide if she wants to adopt or not. So far, we have 2 of the 3 things she said - dark haired girl and the #5. Now we just have to wait to see what December brings, hopefully her to our house!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Psychic
My husband goes to the gym with a woman who is a psychic. He doesn't believe in it but I do. Anyway, she told him 3 things - she sees the number 5, December and a dark haired girl. She doesn't know if the 5 is her age or Dec 5th or what.

I just put in a call to my social worker about the little 4 y.o. who's mother died from a drug overdose who's in foster care. Apparently, the father was never in the picture. My friend saw her over the weekend and said she's adorable with a head fully of curly dark hair and she's teeny tiny. She hasn't been registered with the state adoption facility yet to be adopted out, she's still in DCYF custody. I'm waiting to hear back from the social worker. Maybe this is the dark haired girl the psychic spoke of? She may be 5 by December, who knows? Or maybe her birthday is December 5th or maybe that's the day we would get her? Another thing is that she's has a really unusual name and a couple of years ago, I named a neopet the same exact name! Totally freaky.

I'm excited about the Adoption Party tonight. My first one so I'm not sure what to expect but I'm counting down the hours!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Birthday party
I went to my god-daughter's 6th birthday party today. It was so fun to see all the little girls there - what they were wearing and how their hair was and to see how different but adorable each one was.

I loved when she opened her presents and I got to see what toys she got and what girls that age are into. Apparently, "High School Musical" cd and movie are popular and well as Doodle dolls as she got a couple of each. I saw the cutest Barbie head thing that you can do her hair and makeup. I remember I had one of those when I was a little girl. I am so looking forward to buying my daughter Barbies and dolls and girly clothes and stuff.

I couldn't help but dream a bit how next year my daughter will be at the party with us and running and laughing and having a great time with all the kids.
First Adoption Party!
We got our first invite to an Adoption Party! Yay, I'm beyond excited. Waiting families, waiting children, adoptive families and foster families all get together to meet and mingle and hopefully make a match.

It's Wednesday and it's at a local farm where there will be hay rides, corn mazes, pumpkin picking and games and prizes for all the kids. It's going to be fun!

I'm even more so excited because my stupid state photolisting site hasn't been updated since before we began training in June so I really have no idea what waiting children there are. Hopefully, she will be at the party. If not, it will be great to see all the people we spent all summer at training class with.

Finally, something to look forward to! :D
Gift for social worker
I wanted to get our social worker a little something to show how much we appreciate her for all her hard work and dedication to helping children. She trained us all summer and came to our house for the homestudy interviews and now she working on typing up our homestudy. She is just a genuinely sweet and caring person.

This a Demdaco Willow Tree figurine called "Angel's Embrace". She really is an angel who cares for children so I thought it was appropriate for her, maybe she can put it on her desk.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006
fingerprinting done
Mother-in-law fingerprints - DONE check that one off the list.

That was nice of her to do that for us. :)
Dream
Adoption seems to have taken over my life, my thoughts, my subconsious, my dreams.

Last night I had a dream that was so vivid and real, it's scary. I can remember every conversation and nuance of it. I dreamed that I was presented with the photos and biographies of 3 girls. We chose a little five year old, blond hair down to her shoulders and blue eyes. Her name was Kara, and we seemed to think it was fate. We met with her and we just hit it off right away. She was living in a town about 10 minutes from us and was worried she wouldn't get to see her friends. We assured her we would take her to visit all the time. She was so excited to know she was getting a family and we hugged and kissed her and told her we'd be getting her soon to stay with us forever.

Then I find out that 2 other families think they are adopting her, too. That confuses me because she was supposed to be mine. DH and I go ahead telling our family and celebrating.

She is supposed to come to us that morning but we get a call that she died. Her foster father was a volunteer firefighter and had pictures all over the house of firetrucks showing the fireman standing on the back. A firetruck went by her house and she jumped on but couldn't keep her grip and fell off and died. Ironically, the firetruck was responding to the house next door to us.

There was a wake and everyone was there mourning her. I remember thinking this was a dream come true for her and for us. Why did it have to end before it even began? I was probably getting near the end of the dream anyway when the alarm clock rang at 6:30. I don't know where it would've gone on from there. It was just so real, I can see her clothes, the house she was living in, recall conversations I had all night with her, the social worker, family etc.

I guess the only way I can interprete it is that losing that little girl made me feel that something that is so tangible and perfect can be taken away in an instant.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
social worker, fingerprints, pets and patience
Social worker called to update. She's still working on the homestudy "typing furiously" and hopes to be done soon. We need to have my mother-in-law fingerprinted because she lives in our house, even though it's a separate in-law apartment. I called and made the appointment for tomorrow @ 11:00. It's funny because she's a 73 year old lady, it's a waste of time but if it's necessary, we'll do it!

Speaking of the social worker, I spent the day online looking for a little gift to give her for all her hard work and dedication. I've narrowed it down to 4 or 5 things. I'll order something soon. I want to have it for when we have to meet with her to read the homestudy and approve it.

I'm also still looking into adopting internationally as well. I would love a special needs girl from either Guatemala or Russia. I think Guatemala has my heart though.

Her "godmother" called today to check in for news. She got her a little electronic dog robot, LOL. We discussed what pet we might get her if she wants one. Too many dogs already, DH is allergic to cats. Rabbits, fish and hamsters - been there done that. Ferrets smell funky. I think either a hermit crab or chinchilla would be nice. We'll have to see, of course, how old she is and if she even likes pets!

I had Christmas stockings made for me, girl and Katy (dog) to match. They are all victorian with lace, bells, battenburg, ribbons. Small, medium and large. Very cute! I have to be on the hunt for the boys of the house now. I need 5 of those, 1 large, 2 med and 2 small.

Ugh, I am so impatient! Adoption is not for impatient people, I am learning.
Day off
I have a day off today. I've spent it priming older son's room. We need to step it up and get it done. I can't start on her room until his stuff is moved out of there. I'm dying to see her room come together with all the stuff I bought. I can't wait!
Monday, September 11, 2006
I lost her
I called the agency this afternoon. She's gone. The lady sent in her dossier this morning.

I'm just sick. I feel in my heart that she was meant for our family, that she should've lived her life with us. I was told if anything changes, they'll let me know but I know that's it. I hope this funk I've been in all weekend will go away soon. All I did was think about her and pray. I need to lose this feeling and be open to other kids but I'm not right now. All I want is her. As long as I had her picture and no definite answer, I still had hope. Now there's nothing but sadness left.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
it's going to be a long weekend
I can't seem to get anything done this week. I keep running over to the computer to look at her. She's all I'm thinking about. I just want to see her in person and hold her.

On the up side, it's been over a week since our last social worker visit so I haven't even thought alot about when my homestudy will be complete. We should hear something next week.

Wow, it seems like everything is going to come to a head next week, do I get to be Mommy to her and do we get the go-ahead to start matching domestically?
Friday, September 08, 2006
Prayer for adoption
Good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, we call upon you and seek your aid – to be blessed with a child named **** who needs a home and how much we, Anthony and Kristin, desire this gift to be her parents. Please present these fervent pleas to the Creator of life from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless this couple with this child whom they may raise as His child and heir of heaven. Amen.
Update on Guatemalan baby girl
I called yet again! Supposedly the woman is supposed to send her paperwork in today. If they don't receive it today, they'll give us a call. She has a $7,500 grant due to her medical condition. I stressed to the agency to please, please call me if anything changes. So, now I just wait and pray and hope that the woman backs out.

Adoption is so frustrating compared to pregnancy. The difference is that you are so powerless, your fate and your child's fate is in the hands of strangers, and their actions and decisions determine whether you become a family or not. I hate being pushy like this, it's not in my character.

Now the fate of one woman desperate for a daughter and a little girl on another continent rests in whether some unknown woman somewhere in the world gets a packet of paper to an agency in a far away state today or not. If I wasn't ready to cry, I'd laugh.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
No word yet
Ugh, the wait is killing me. :( I went to bed last night wondering what she was doing. She's so cute. I want to be her mommy.
update on baby girl
I called the agency again about the special needs Guatemalan girl. They said that they have someone who has committed to adopting her but they will call the woman and tell her they need a definite answer either way from her today and they will let me know. I told her to call me either way because I don’t want to be left in limbo like this - I want either hope or be able to just let it go and move on.
Still waiting
So far, I've made three phone calls and sent two emails to this agency and nothing. I'm getting so frustrated. I just want an answer if she's still avaiable or not. I realize they're busy and I don't want to keep bugging them, but she's all I've been thinking about.

I've been keeping busy researching Guatemalan adoption. With the Hague situation, I don't know if I'll have enough time to get a referral by the end of the year for her. I don't want to jump ahead of myself before I even know if she's available or not - I'll deal with that when the time comes.

I looked into the meanings of the names I like: Hope (trust, faith), Grace (grace, blessing), Kara (pure). Kara Grace would mean pure blessing. She truly would be.
I still love Hope though. Hope for a better life, secure future, loving family.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the little eight year old girl who's mother died and she's shuffled from one family member to another and no one wants her, including the father. I spoke with my co-worker and she's going to bring it up again this weekend when she sees them. I'm willing to still have her visit with the family and be flexible. We'll see if they have come to a decision or not.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Little Baby Girl
This little girl from Guatemala, you have to see her! Big dark eyes and dark hair, she's so gorgeous. I put her as the background screensaver so I can look at her all the time and hopefully, DH and the boys will fall in love with her as much as I have. The listing hasn't been updated since July so I have little hope she is still available after all this time. The only possibility is her special needs that may discourage a lot of potential families.

How many little girls do I have to fall in love with and have my dreams dashed before one becomes a reality? I knew this was going to be a rollercoaster going in but I never thought it would be this bad. It probably wouldn't be bad at all if I would just stay off the flipping internet!

(sigh)I know I'm getting wayyyyyyyyyyy ahead of myself, LOL. It's just that I can see her as part of our family, I can picture me holding her and rocking her to sleep and playing with her in the pool and doing her hair and giving her love and wiping away her tears and kissing her booboos away.

If not her, hopefully one day we'll be lucky enough to adopt from Guatemala even if it's after we go the domestic route.
Guatemala adoption now?
Well, I spent the entire weekend looking at every state photolisting site. I made some inquiries but, as our homestudy won't be completed until next week, it was really just to get an idea of adopting out of state.

THEN, I linked to an international adoption photolisting site and now we're considering international adoption, preferably Guatemala. I just looked at about 200 children and sent about 5-10 pictures of kids for my husband to look at. The one that caught our eye and just feels so right is a special needs child. I emailed first thing this morning but since the agency is on the west coast, I gave it all day to get a reply. Then I coudn't wait anymore so I just called about an hour ago and the social worker isn't in today so I'll have to call her tomorrow. It does say that there is a grant and reduced fees. I'm just scared we won't be able to afford it even with the reduced fees. We can always take out an equity line of credit to finance it if this is the route we go. How much is it to adopt from Guatemala?

Whether we get that little special needs girl or a healthy girl from Guatelmala or a girl from state foster care is in God's hands. At this point, I feel everything just needs to play out, our destiny and her destiny. Until yesterday I wasn't even considering international but now it seems like this might be the way to go!

Please, if anyone is reading this - tell me what you know or your experience with adopting from Guatemala. Links, blogs, websites, recommendations would be great, too.